Alright! I'm on a roll with the Iris stories now! I think that my previous hiatus may have been related to the fact that I was concerned that the authorities really might be called on me based upon my parenting skills. Now....I'm kind of hoping for that! Iris can be raised by some of the few responsible people in the family (compared to me, who could be considered LESS responsible) and I think a few days in the clink might be just what the doctor ordered for me! I'm not sure what I would be allowed to take to jail with me (I'm thinking that I would look to just going to the county jail, I don't want to do any hard time in prison) but I bet I could get a pretty good amount of work done with that kind of down time....not to mention some time set aside to work out each day, no big decisions about what to wear....I better stop before my "joking" starts convincing me that I might be on to something! Anyway, I started thinking about when people say things like "Don't ask a question if you might not want to hear the answer!" or "The truth hurts!" and it made me think about how awkward I am at lying and how much I sometimes wish Iris WOULD lie....or at least hold back some of the truth. I am also bringing up some other amazing aspects of parenting that I never saw coming!
So.....Iris is bad for my self-esteem. Why? Well let's hit the obvious points first and I'll try to be as descriptive as possible. Not for any real benefit of the reader, but hell, you're a captive audience at this point so I might as well traumatize you!
WAYS PARENTING HAS RUINED ME:
1) I'm not sure how to clearly give you a good description of what I look like naked (stick with me here, it will get better....just kidding, it's not getting any better!) but if you have ever tried to tear electrical tape and really all you did was stretch it out and then give up but the tape never actually went back to it's original form and just stayed all wrinkly useless looking (you're never going to use that tape again!)....that's pretty much how my stomach looks now. I have heard of people who have rubbed themselves down with cocoa butter multiple times a day and have come through pregnancy glowing....NOT THIS GIRL!! I did try to use cocoa butter but I had a lot of area to cover and only so much time in the day so I really only used it a couple times a day....every day....for 9 months....and it benefited me...not at all. Now, I have experimented with trying to get said "stretch marks" addressed by doing the following things 1) Gaining weight 2) Losing weight. I thought maybe gaining weight would filled the areas in a little better. Nope! Definitely not! Losing weight- no difference! Well it seems as though I won't be wearing a bikini ever again....or ever at all.
2) If you have ever seen me in the summer, you may recall me not wearing shorts very often. It used to be because my legs were so white. Seriously, I have THE WHITEST LEGS EVER! If people who were goth could be jealous (They can't be right? I am not exactly schooled in the "neo-Gothic" lifestyle....or even then historically Gothic lifestyle. I pretty much have a vague picture of American Gothic in my mind and that's about as far as I can go I guess) but I'm pretty sure they would be jealous of me for a couple reasons. I am a soulless ginger and I am unintentionally the whitest person I have ever met who does not have some type of recognized genetic mutation (aside from being a soulless ginger). Thankfully, Iris has taken it upon herself to aid me in remedying this situation by providing me with a multitude of bruises, scratches, and other marks all over my arms and legs to give me a little "color". I always love it when people say things such as "GASP! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT BRUISE?!" Honestly, 9 times out of 10 I have NO IDEA where it came from. I try to think up something incredibly parental and awesome...."Well, Iris and I were playing together outside and a meteor shower kicked up out of NOWHERE! I used myself as a human shield to protect her from debris. We made it through it ok and afterwards we discussed what meteors were, the dangers and such....it was a teachable moment for sure!" because that is a greater story than the reality such as "Well, against my better judgment and because I was tired of the fight, I let Iris give pushing the grocery cart a try..." or "Well I was trying to carry the laundry basket and Iris tried to cut in front of me and I fell down the stairs...." or " I was getting something out of the oven and Iris bumped the oven door, which then started to close on my arm..." or my most often used response, "Um, what bruise? Oh, that one. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't realize it was there."
3) If you have kids you can kind of remember back to when you thought you were tired in the past. Like in college or high school and you would be up all night studying, partying, playing video games, etc. In college you would wake up, pull yourself together the best you could, and then be on your way to class for your 1-2 hours....then back to bed. The negative effects of this were you looked like hell, you might fall asleep in class, and you pretty much were useless because you were so caught up in thinking about the next time you can climb back into your cozy bed and snuggle in. NOW, with 1 child....this is EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE! I look like hell EVERY DAY! And I have totally become ok with looking bad to just sleep in a little bit longer. Makeup? NOPE! Not going to happen! I have come to the conclusion that it is a waste of time and money and false advertising! I don't look so great with make-up on that it makes it worth my time to put it on. Also, let's say I go out on a date and get all gussied up. I might as well just say at the beginning "This is a trick! You will never again see me looking this good! Actually, if this relationship continues, you will see me much, much, much worse...and to be quite honest with you I can probably belch louder than you, so drink it in now, bud, because it's not getting any better than this!" And going to bed isn't even that great anymore! I used go to bed with the idea that I would be safe and cozy and could relax a bit. Now I am in a constant state of fear that I will wake up because of random thrashing and screams from my child, or even worse, covered in her urine! THEN to make matters worse, when she DOES sleep in her own bed, I am constantly listening for any movement to make sure she is staying in her bed and is safe. Sleep is now exhausting!
4) Hey, remember when you didn't always have someone telling you all about your faults? That was boring, huh?! I used to think "Man, if only there was someone around, kind of like that voice in the back of my head, but instead of being my conscience, it could just take any of my self-esteem and annihilate it....if only!" Enter Iris! Things that I have heard lately..."Mom, whoa! Your hair looks crazy. It's scaring me!", "Mom, you're not beautiful. You are cute and you can be pretty sometimes, but you're never beautiful.", "Mom, are you drinking coffee? Your breath makes me want to throw up!", "Mom, can you drive slower?", "Mom, can you drive faster?", "Mom, your driving is making me carsick!"
5) Now that I am a parent I have so much privacy! I walk a fine line between wanting to take an uninterrupted shower and wanting to be interrupted periodically just so I know that Iris is not caught up in some terrible evil genius plot to overthrow me while I am vulnerable and unsuspecting. Iris will often walk in the bathroom while I'm showering, look in the shower and then say "Ewww! You're naked!" Yep! Sure am! I actually take 100% of my showers naked! It's weird! In addition to keeping the water where it belongs, the shower curtain has the added benefit of preventing others from seeing me whilst I am cleansing. Thanks for breaking through my vinyl fortress of solitude and stating how disgusted you are with this! Another option would be to tell others of how distraught you are by all of this. For instance, after recently getting out of the shower I was completely wrapped up in a towel and had my hair wrapped in a t-shirt (it's less abrasive than towels, read The Curly Girl Handbook) and Iris comes in and starts talking to me about something life-changing I am sure....then the dog starts to walk into the bathroom and Iris blocks the dog from coming in and says to her"Whoa, whoa, whoa, believe me, you're not gonna wanna see this!" Oh, really? The dog was probably making her way into the bathroom to drink out of the toilet, but yeah, you're probably right! My covered body post-shower would probably be more than something who eats out of the trash and drinks toilet water could handle! Thanks Iris! That's right on target with how I had been feeling lately!
Final thought: Even when Iris says something that is maybe bad for my self-esteem, she still gives me material to use on other people! "Oh, how does that outfit look on you? Well it looks, cute, maybe pretty with a little effort, but I'm pretty sure you're not doing that outfit any justice by wearing it!" Thanks Iris!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Remember that time you stopped talking? NOPE!
I haven't posted in awhile about Iris but fear not, her antics continue. I have just been a slacker (Call Ripley's! No one will believe that!). Anyhow, I figured I would share the story of how Iris NEVER STOPS TALKING! I originally thought it was just me she did this for. Last year her preschool teachers didn't have anything to say about her classroom behavior and she was always a star student. This year.....uhhhh, not so much! If I had a dollar for every time I read "Iris had trouble being quiet at nap time today." I would have....I don't know, maybe $50. I mean, really, she only goes to preschool 2 days a week, add in holidays and such, you see how I did the math, right? It's not a ton of money but it would be more than I had at the beginning of the school year and it would make me feel better about passing down those little genetic gems! Who is going to pay me for parental failure though? Back to the topic....I figure I could give everyone a taste of what goes on in the mind of an evil genius. While I clearly do not know all of her evil genius thoughts [Prayer- Dear God, Thank you for making me a mere mortal who can not read each thought and feeling of my child. I know that this has kept me from crying, screaming, punishing, and going into fetal position on many occasions. I apologize that you, however, do have the ability to do this and would appreciate your undeserved leniency at the time of judgment. I tried, really I did! Amen] her inability to stop talking (even in her sleep) allows me to get a fairly clear picture at times. And so our story begins.....
Last night I had the pleasure of going out to dinner with my future sister-in-law.....and Iris. Girls' Night Out! What could go wrong!? Oh that's right, I could go to a nice restaurant with a child who is constantly starring in a one person show and thinks the world is there to see it. "The World", however, just sees a re-enactment of a bizarre combination of Mommy Dearest, The Exorcist, and Curly Top. This plan has already started out on the wrong foot hours before we even knew it when I allowed my evil genius/schizophrenic-fashoinista to pick out her clothes for the day. While I know the teachers at her school and let's be honest, they lost respect for me a while back....people outside of school don't have any idea. So we walk into A WINERY/RESTAURANT (sigh....my family always holds out hope that we won't be a disaster in public, they never learn) with Iris in a bright pink shirt with a skirt that is gray and has multi-colored hearts on it (so far so good), fluorescent pasty white legs (genetically there is nothing to be done about this), black and purple socks (nope, not matching at all), bright pink sparkly shoes (of course), and two sparkling flower clips in her hair (1 in pink and 1 in green, neither matching any other part of her outfit). This might seem like an acceptable outfit to some people but you have to keep in mind the....style/texture (?) of our hair. My child's hair sort of looks like what would happen if a child were to have a horribly tragic accident in which said child fell from a sap covered tree, through a spider-web, into a cotton-candy spinning machine, into a bag of lint. Get the picture? We are looking sweet! In Iris's defense, I'm not looking awesome! Iris had to use the restroom and I had one of those moments where I walked into the bathroom with her, passed the mirror, then stopped and walked back because even I was shocked at how large my hair was! As I was trying to fix it and expressing my frustration to another patron of the restaurant, she laughs and says "I know what you mean! My son has hair JUST LIKE YOU!" This leads me to believe that I had just met Troy Polamalu's mother. I didn't ask, but that is exactly who I pictured in my mind when she said that. Unlike Iris and myself though, this lady's son got the genetic short end of the straw because her hair looked fantastic!
Back out to the restaurant-
If you ever find yourself in the position where you are the ragamuffin of the family, perhaps request that your more high class friends and family members dress down when going out with you as to not draw attention to the huge difference in style? pulled togetherness? tact? We forgot this important detail and therefore were completely shown up by Gina who walks in coordinating, looking pulled together, as if she may actually have her vehicle outfitted with its own iron and ironing board for those days when you just can't be perfect enough! In addition to looking amazing, she actually brings us A GIFT! Ummmm, you might want to keep that as a consolation prize for yourself because you are going out to dinner with Iris and me, and believe me....$%*@ is about to get real!!!
And here is where the talking begins-
While I can't exactly quote everything she said, I'll try to hit the main points....
Iris: Beep, bop, boop, bop I AM A ROBOT! I AM A ROBOT! BEEP BOOP BOP BO!!! (Notice the caps lock for increased loudness, also envision straight arms moving robotically in front of her).
Me: *holding up three fingers*
Iris: SORRY MOM! I'LL CHANGE MY BATTERIES TO BE GOOD! *proceeds to hit self on head and "change batteries"*
Me: *holding up two fingers*
Iris: SORRY SORRY SORRY! Don't count to one! I DON'T WANT TO GET A SWAT OR A SPANKING! A SPANKING IS HARDER THAN A SWAT! A swat doesn't even hurt!
Me: ***CRAZY EYES***
Iris: *tries food* EWW! Yuck! I don't like this! It hurts my mouth! I need a drink! I need water! *cough, cough, gag, cough, gasp* Can I have your water mom!? I need a drink!
Me: *hand over water, take plate of food from Iris (Oh yeah! she would totally try it again to clear up how much she DOESN'T like it for me if I don't remove it entirely from her presence)*
Iris: *reaches around trying to find a straw, no luck, takes straw from milk bends it about 1,400 different ways, tosses it in my glass of water, reaches in pulls it back out, straightens it out, takes a sip*
Gina: Mmmmm, is that good?!
Iris: I was SO thirsty! I didn't like that! I need this water!
As an aside: I hate it when restaurants have beverages for kids that are not free refills! Here's why, 1) she is going to spill it 2) she is going to need a refill 3) this is all going to cost me!
Iris- clearly sated with the water and ready to punch the tickets for Gina and I to go on a ride through what appears to be the brain of a 4-year old reincarnated from someone with multiple personalities....on a bad acid trip. Fasten your seatbelts, this may get bumpy!
Iris: Remember that time when we were playing with Sloopy and Lizzi, and we went down the slide, but Lizzi was scared, and so I had Sloopy sit on my lap and go down and it was so fun and then Lizzi sat on my lap and I held her and she had fun and we said "YAY!" and then we went down the slide by ourselves and we had so much fun and then the dogs wanted to play and I got them a stuffed animal to play with and I got Sloopy a purple one and Lizzi a pink one and I got Sloopy the purple one because purple is Sloopy's favorite color and Lizzi got the pink one because Lizzi's loves pink....
Gina: Did they tell you that?
Iris: .....And then they were chewing them and they loved them....Yes, they tell me that all the time! Hey your purse strap looks like a leash! And then I would throw the toy and they would go get it!....
Gina: Wow! This sounds like quite an adventure!
Iris: Hey Mom! Remember that time that we were babies together! And I was holding you and you were so cute!
Me: Oh, yeah! That was a good time!
*Iris has entire stories made up of us being the same age! From what I gather we were both young together, I just grew up faster and she remained a baby for me to take care of. I am thinking that this relates to the idea that she cannot comprehend not existing (who can, really?!) and therefore has built this logical explanation for herself in her head.
Iris: Remember when I held you and you were a baby and you were sucking your thumb and you were so cute and I was like "awww! You're my cute baby!" Do you remember that mom!?
Me: Yeah! You were so nice to me!
Iris: Yeah! I used to hold you all the time!
Me: Yeah, you pretty much spoiled me!
Iris: Gina, what did Matta do when she couldn't go up and down steps?
Gina: Um, what?
Iris: Matta is just a puppy. Can she go up steps?
Gina: Well, yeah, she's 1 year old so she's a puppy but she's a big puppy and she can go up and down steps.
Iris: What about when she was little?
Gina: I'm not sure, I guess she learned quickly. She has always been able to go up and down steps when we've had her.
Iris: Remember when Tressel and Matta were puppies and they would run up and down the steps together and Matta would run by Tressel!? They are so cute!
Gina: Yeah! They are cute! I better get home soon! It might storm and Tressel will be afraid!
Iris: What does Tressel do during storms? Does she bark?
Gina: Well she gets scared and she shakes and cries and hides and wants to have someone around.
Iris: What does Matta do?
Gina: Matta isn't scared of storms.
Iris: So what does she do during storms?
Gina: Nothing?
Good call Gina! Next time just ask her what the right answer is! I often do this! If I had a dollar for every time I said to Iris "What is the right answer?" or "What do you want me to say to make you happy?" or "What can I say to get this conversation over with?" I would have WAY MORE than $50! I would probably actually have a pretty good investment going for that! SUCK IT STRS! I have a better financial plan in store with my "Make-this-conversation-end BANK"!
Iris (asleep): So then I just kicked Sloopy!
Me: Why would you kick Sloopy?! That's not nice!
Iris: *snores*
Ok, the above scene is TOTALLY a trait she inherited from my mom! My mom is the queen of making random comments when she is asleep! I'm not exactly sure what my mom and Iris dream about but here is what I have gathered 1) Actual time is not a factor 2) there is always somebody getting hurt 3) Death means nothing, anyone can be in a dream or story told during a nap!
Final thought: There is no final thought on this one! Because, as with Iris, the thoughts and comments never end! If you have any ideas/recommendations/answers for how to deal with this or address it, I would love to hear them. Sadly you may have to call and schedule a time because I am typically listening to Iris ranting and making up stories! I could actually probably go on with stories Iris has made up for a while but my need to go to my paying job prevents me from doing so! It's weird how my job working with 70 kids between the ages of 3 and 17 is a break from 1 child who is 4 years old! How did that happen?! Fear the Evil Genius!
Last night I had the pleasure of going out to dinner with my future sister-in-law.....and Iris. Girls' Night Out! What could go wrong!? Oh that's right, I could go to a nice restaurant with a child who is constantly starring in a one person show and thinks the world is there to see it. "The World", however, just sees a re-enactment of a bizarre combination of Mommy Dearest, The Exorcist, and Curly Top. This plan has already started out on the wrong foot hours before we even knew it when I allowed my evil genius/schizophrenic-fashoinista to pick out her clothes for the day. While I know the teachers at her school and let's be honest, they lost respect for me a while back....people outside of school don't have any idea. So we walk into A WINERY/RESTAURANT (sigh....my family always holds out hope that we won't be a disaster in public, they never learn) with Iris in a bright pink shirt with a skirt that is gray and has multi-colored hearts on it (so far so good), fluorescent pasty white legs (genetically there is nothing to be done about this), black and purple socks (nope, not matching at all), bright pink sparkly shoes (of course), and two sparkling flower clips in her hair (1 in pink and 1 in green, neither matching any other part of her outfit). This might seem like an acceptable outfit to some people but you have to keep in mind the....style/texture (?) of our hair. My child's hair sort of looks like what would happen if a child were to have a horribly tragic accident in which said child fell from a sap covered tree, through a spider-web, into a cotton-candy spinning machine, into a bag of lint. Get the picture? We are looking sweet! In Iris's defense, I'm not looking awesome! Iris had to use the restroom and I had one of those moments where I walked into the bathroom with her, passed the mirror, then stopped and walked back because even I was shocked at how large my hair was! As I was trying to fix it and expressing my frustration to another patron of the restaurant, she laughs and says "I know what you mean! My son has hair JUST LIKE YOU!" This leads me to believe that I had just met Troy Polamalu's mother. I didn't ask, but that is exactly who I pictured in my mind when she said that. Unlike Iris and myself though, this lady's son got the genetic short end of the straw because her hair looked fantastic!
Back out to the restaurant-
If you ever find yourself in the position where you are the ragamuffin of the family, perhaps request that your more high class friends and family members dress down when going out with you as to not draw attention to the huge difference in style? pulled togetherness? tact? We forgot this important detail and therefore were completely shown up by Gina who walks in coordinating, looking pulled together, as if she may actually have her vehicle outfitted with its own iron and ironing board for those days when you just can't be perfect enough! In addition to looking amazing, she actually brings us A GIFT! Ummmm, you might want to keep that as a consolation prize for yourself because you are going out to dinner with Iris and me, and believe me....$%*@ is about to get real!!!
And here is where the talking begins-
While I can't exactly quote everything she said, I'll try to hit the main points....
Iris: Beep, bop, boop, bop I AM A ROBOT! I AM A ROBOT! BEEP BOOP BOP BO!!! (Notice the caps lock for increased loudness, also envision straight arms moving robotically in front of her).
Me: *holding up three fingers*
Iris: SORRY MOM! I'LL CHANGE MY BATTERIES TO BE GOOD! *proceeds to hit self on head and "change batteries"*
Me: *holding up two fingers*
Iris: SORRY SORRY SORRY! Don't count to one! I DON'T WANT TO GET A SWAT OR A SPANKING! A SPANKING IS HARDER THAN A SWAT! A swat doesn't even hurt!
Me: ***CRAZY EYES***
Iris: *tries food* EWW! Yuck! I don't like this! It hurts my mouth! I need a drink! I need water! *cough, cough, gag, cough, gasp* Can I have your water mom!? I need a drink!
Me: *hand over water, take plate of food from Iris (Oh yeah! she would totally try it again to clear up how much she DOESN'T like it for me if I don't remove it entirely from her presence)*
Iris: *reaches around trying to find a straw, no luck, takes straw from milk bends it about 1,400 different ways, tosses it in my glass of water, reaches in pulls it back out, straightens it out, takes a sip*
Gina: Mmmmm, is that good?!
Iris: I was SO thirsty! I didn't like that! I need this water!
As an aside: I hate it when restaurants have beverages for kids that are not free refills! Here's why, 1) she is going to spill it 2) she is going to need a refill 3) this is all going to cost me!
Iris- clearly sated with the water and ready to punch the tickets for Gina and I to go on a ride through what appears to be the brain of a 4-year old reincarnated from someone with multiple personalities....on a bad acid trip. Fasten your seatbelts, this may get bumpy!
Iris: Remember that time when we were playing with Sloopy and Lizzi, and we went down the slide, but Lizzi was scared, and so I had Sloopy sit on my lap and go down and it was so fun and then Lizzi sat on my lap and I held her and she had fun and we said "YAY!" and then we went down the slide by ourselves and we had so much fun and then the dogs wanted to play and I got them a stuffed animal to play with and I got Sloopy a purple one and Lizzi a pink one and I got Sloopy the purple one because purple is Sloopy's favorite color and Lizzi got the pink one because Lizzi's loves pink....
Gina: Did they tell you that?
Iris: .....And then they were chewing them and they loved them....Yes, they tell me that all the time! Hey your purse strap looks like a leash! And then I would throw the toy and they would go get it!....
Gina: Wow! This sounds like quite an adventure!
Iris: Hey Mom! Remember that time that we were babies together! And I was holding you and you were so cute!
Me: Oh, yeah! That was a good time!
*Iris has entire stories made up of us being the same age! From what I gather we were both young together, I just grew up faster and she remained a baby for me to take care of. I am thinking that this relates to the idea that she cannot comprehend not existing (who can, really?!) and therefore has built this logical explanation for herself in her head.
Iris: Remember when I held you and you were a baby and you were sucking your thumb and you were so cute and I was like "awww! You're my cute baby!" Do you remember that mom!?
Me: Yeah! You were so nice to me!
Iris: Yeah! I used to hold you all the time!
Me: Yeah, you pretty much spoiled me!
Iris: Gina, what did Matta do when she couldn't go up and down steps?
Gina: Um, what?
Iris: Matta is just a puppy. Can she go up steps?
Gina: Well, yeah, she's 1 year old so she's a puppy but she's a big puppy and she can go up and down steps.
Iris: What about when she was little?
Gina: I'm not sure, I guess she learned quickly. She has always been able to go up and down steps when we've had her.
Iris: Remember when Tressel and Matta were puppies and they would run up and down the steps together and Matta would run by Tressel!? They are so cute!
Gina: Yeah! They are cute! I better get home soon! It might storm and Tressel will be afraid!
Iris: What does Tressel do during storms? Does she bark?
Gina: Well she gets scared and she shakes and cries and hides and wants to have someone around.
Iris: What does Matta do?
Gina: Matta isn't scared of storms.
Iris: So what does she do during storms?
Gina: Nothing?
Good call Gina! Next time just ask her what the right answer is! I often do this! If I had a dollar for every time I said to Iris "What is the right answer?" or "What do you want me to say to make you happy?" or "What can I say to get this conversation over with?" I would have WAY MORE than $50! I would probably actually have a pretty good investment going for that! SUCK IT STRS! I have a better financial plan in store with my "Make-this-conversation-end BANK"!
Iris (asleep): So then I just kicked Sloopy!
Me: Why would you kick Sloopy?! That's not nice!
Iris: *snores*
Ok, the above scene is TOTALLY a trait she inherited from my mom! My mom is the queen of making random comments when she is asleep! I'm not exactly sure what my mom and Iris dream about but here is what I have gathered 1) Actual time is not a factor 2) there is always somebody getting hurt 3) Death means nothing, anyone can be in a dream or story told during a nap!
Final thought: There is no final thought on this one! Because, as with Iris, the thoughts and comments never end! If you have any ideas/recommendations/answers for how to deal with this or address it, I would love to hear them. Sadly you may have to call and schedule a time because I am typically listening to Iris ranting and making up stories! I could actually probably go on with stories Iris has made up for a while but my need to go to my paying job prevents me from doing so! It's weird how my job working with 70 kids between the ages of 3 and 17 is a break from 1 child who is 4 years old! How did that happen?! Fear the Evil Genius!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Oh genetics! You always get the last laugh!
So I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before or not (and quite honestly I am too lazy to re-read my previous blogs to see what I have already said. It makes reading this like talking to me in person, I suppose, in that I tell and re-tell stories and ramble incoherently, forget what I am talking about, try to loop it back around and end up with a different point or story altogether) but....I was a perfect child. If not completely perfect....I WAS PRETTY CLOSE! I required one reprimand, never lied, and seldom attempted to break any rules. I have pretty much made up for this in my adulthood so I guess everything evens out in the end. With this in mind, I anticipate my Evil Genius being a VERY BORING adult, perhaps even just a regular genius (perish the thought)! Anyhow, most of the time I talk about how much Iris is NOT like me but today I shall talk about the ways that I have noticed she IS like me.
In my life, I joke that I was handed down all of the traits that girls DON'T want from their father, from mine. I have short, stubby fingers; wide, flat feet; frizzy, curly hair (my dad continues to keep his hair short like when he was in the Marines 30+ years ago so this type of hair is fine on him. *Semper Fi!*); and an.....ample posterior (also not noticeable on my dad but bad for me). Traits from my mother that I did not receive were straight hair; long, slender, "piano-player" fingers; and the "Hassinger bust". Thanks genetics! You got me good! Soooo.....what have I passed down to Iris? Well she appears to be tall for her age (+), which is not from me, but based on the fact that she is 4 and wearing 6/6X clothing, I am guessing she has inherited my metabolism (-) Boo! She also appears to have some rhythm, singing, and dancing ability so that she DEFINITELY did not inherit from me! It has been 4 years and I still haven't unpacked the "Skinner Box" so I guess the nature/nurture argument could be used for the rest of this blog but I will be providing other ways that Iris takes after me...
1. DRAMA!: She is a bit dramatic. She prefaces most stories with one of two statements 1) Mom, I have something horrible to tell you! or 2) Mom, do you know what would be AWESOME?! These statements can be anywhere on the "awesome-horrible experience spectrum". For instance, horrible could be anything from water splashing out of the bathtub to the other day when "Lizzi found a dead cat in the backyard" (it was a stray, if that makes anyone feel any better). Awesome could be anywhere from reading a book before bed to going on a vacation or play date....or out for ice cream. Quite honestly starting her statements with either of these phrases gives me no clue about the upcoming story. In my life you would notice this when I am telling a story and start it with "Oh my gosh! This is the funniest thing ever!" or just "OH MY GOSH!" and then I provide the disclaimer "sorry, this story isn't that great, I didn't mean to get your hopes up!" Always warn your audience or at least capture their attention momentarily! Iris has started using this skills already! Well done!
2. NO FILTER: So I often take Iris with me to the nursing home in order to expose her to people who are different from her and she tends to brighten everyone's day....on her good days. However, when I give her this "opportunity" I have to be prepared for the fact that she has NO FILTER....a trait she completely inherited from me. First of all, anytime she sees anyone over the age of about 50 she refers to the person as a "grandpa" or "grandma". This would be ok....IF SHE COULD WHISPER, but alas, she cannot! She has to explain to me (as if I have some difficulty comprehending age differences) when people are older. Example: In the store at about 60 dB, "Mom, look at that old grandma! She's old and buying stuff at the store. She's like 'Look at me. I'm a grandma!'!". Well done Iris! Way to draw attention. So when we go in the nursing home she expects to see older people but she wants to know exactly how old they are! Recently...Guy at nursing home: How old are you? Iris: I was three a few days ago but I am 4 now. How old are you? Guy: I'm 93 Iris: Whoa! That's a big number!
Boom! Well done Iris! As if a near centenarian isn't aware of their age/longevity (that was for you, Michael Weber ;-)! )!
Another concern of Iris's: Guys with long hair. At a regular Iris whisper level....JUST KIDDING, she doesn't whisper....she will say (while standing about 4 feet from an individual with longer hair) "Mom, is that a boy or a girl?" I will reply with "Boy", back to her "Why does he have long hair?", me: "because he wants to. Let it go Iris" Iris: "Boys don't have long hair, Mom, girls have long hair. He looks like a girl!" Me: "ENOUGH! LET IT GO! BOYS AND GIRLS CAN BOTH HAVE HAIR HOWEVER LONG THEY WANT!" *cue stares from random strangers while I lose my cool*
3. IMAGINARY ARGUMENTS: When I get in an argument with someone....they typically have NO IDEA. I have dated and broken up with guys that had no idea of neither our relationship nor my existence. I feel this is easier because I am actually very forgiving so I might as well not tell them EVERY time we are dating and breaking up! No point in making "perfect 7" sad and depressed! I also have conversations that never existed when I tell stories to other people. Example: "So then what I SHOULD HAVE said is.........She didn't have any right! Who does she think she is?! I should have told her what everyone thinks about her....that she is a......" I am actually amazing at these arguments because I do a lot of driving so I have PLENTY of commute time to assemble impenetrable points to fling back at someone at a moment's notice! I have never actually used these amazing lines on people but maybe someday I will and they will stand and stare at me with a new respect (RIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTTT!!!!) Apparently this trait is dominant! Iris and I had a "discussion" the other day about who was the boss and who actually decided whether or not she was taking a bath. As I walk past the bathroom door I can hear Iris "re-enacting" the discussion with me! "Oh yeah? Well I am the boss! I AM NOT taking a bath! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS!" Well played, Iris. Well played!
4. CALORIC INTAKE: While I sat here typing this I smell the scent of peanut butter and look over at Iris watching tv, eating peanut butter from the container, with a spoon. She may or may not have seen me do this, uh how ELSE am I expected to get my protein?! I also fell asleep in a chair a couple weeks ago and woke up to a wonderful smell. After verifying that I did appear to be alive and in my own home and not some Candy Land Heaven or Diabetic fantasy, I looked around to see what the smell was and see a particular Evil Genius COATED in vanilla frosting! I was instantly irritated but I felt that if given the chance I would probably want to do that as well! Iris and I kind of live by the saying "nothing in moderation"....oops! If you are going to do something....do it BIG! Really? Peanut butter on a piece of bread? Frosting on a cookie, graham cracker or even spoon......ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz! Oh sorry! I fell asleep! BORING! That's what tablespoons and bendable digits on our hands are for! You only live once and no one has ever been on their death bed and said "I wish I hadn't eaten so much frosting!"....at least no one I know has!
5. CRAZY HAIR!: Oh me! Oh my! I thought I'd die! In case you didn't recognize that line...there is a book aptly named "Crazy Hair" and that is at the beginning of the story/poem. I am pretty excited that NO ONE ever has to question who Iris's mom is when we are out. It actually gets a little awkward for people....awkward look at me, then Iris...."oh, I, uh, see where she got her.....curly hair from." Oh really, lady who can't play off the fact that she was thinking "frizzy and unruly"? Can you? Weird! Is it really the hair? Or even the pasty white skin tone, the red hair? Difficult to narrow it down really! I don't even have Iris do her hair in the mornings, for the most part, because I DO put effort into my hair and it doesn't really look that much better than hers! I love that I can be just like MY mom 28 years ago and just go absolutely apes@#% on Iris's head with a hairbrush! Ow! Ouch! Mom, that hurts! Uh.....yeah! I KNOW! BEEN THERE! Beauty is pain, Iris! It will do you good to learn this life lesson early! Also, having a parent declare full out war on your sensitive scalp will certainly build character in the future! And possibly some psychological issues and perhaps even a concussion....but who's counting or getting a plus/delta chart set up?! Not this girl! Bring on the pain, Iris! Because as you will hear REPEATEDLY throughout your life....PEOPLE PAY BIG MONEY FOR HAIR LIKE OURS!
6. CLUMSY!: Ok, if you have ever seen me in public and said my name and I didn't respond it was probably because I am pretty sure that anytime I take my attention off of what I am doing or where I am going I will certainly fall down steps, run into something, spill something, gain a bruise or visible mark, or inflict some other type of bodily harm to myself. DOMINANT! I have seriously stopped saying things like "Be careful!" and "Watch what you are doing!" to Iris because I might as well just throw stuff around on the floor or break items the second those words are uttered out of my mouth! I have actually now had to start using, "Hmmmm, that's weird! It's almost like I warned you about that happening! Do you understand why I said that now! Maybe you should listen to Mommy!" I kind of feel bad because I am certain that SOME of the accidents are actual accidents but if she would just concentrate a little bit she could prevent this! I have to concentrate on not falling, spilling, slipping, breaking, running into, and bruising all the time and it is time she learned to do the same!
7. Soulless: I want to be the perfect mom that many of my friends are but it really doesn't seem to fit with what my little Evil Genius responds to, so I, in fact, have to be a little cold and soulless. When Iris does something and says it is an accident I often respond with "I understand that it was an accident, but that doesn't exactly fix anything or make it ok does it? Didn't I warn you about that?" In response to a "sorry I let the dogs fight"...." Well Iris, 'I'm sorry' doesn't really put the Urgent Care co-pay back on my debit card does it? Nor does it fix the dogs who fought! I'm glad you're sorry but that's not helping right now is it?! I want you to listen in the first place! Then you don't have to be sorry!" I know! I am cruel, but it's frustrating! Anyhow, Iris has seemed to pick up this attitude and when she is around other kids she passes this loving kindness on! For instance, with small children "Would you like a cookie? Not until you say please!" or once when I asked someone to apologize to her."Mom, I don't think that was very loud! She didn't say sorry so I could hear it! Have her say it again but louder so I can hear it!" Well done tiny evil clone! In case some poor child's parent isn't being cruel and heartless enough to them to require a substantial amount of money be set aside for therapy in the future....WE HAVE YOU COVERED!
In closing, here is my advice to you....CHOOSE WISELY WHEN REPRODUCING! No seriously! I work in the schools! Not enough people think this through! You want your child to be far superior to you, right!? Well if you plan on being the main influence for them you had better prepare them genetically to be better than you! If Iris only had my traits we would probably both have bed sores now and her clothes would never match! Lucky for me her biological counterpart has the ability to be obsessive (in a way different from me, I am only obsessive with stalking, but not with anything useful ;-) True story!) and can throw a matching outfit together and accessorize! The future lies in your decision making! Be careful!
In my life, I joke that I was handed down all of the traits that girls DON'T want from their father, from mine. I have short, stubby fingers; wide, flat feet; frizzy, curly hair (my dad continues to keep his hair short like when he was in the Marines 30+ years ago so this type of hair is fine on him. *Semper Fi!*); and an.....ample posterior (also not noticeable on my dad but bad for me). Traits from my mother that I did not receive were straight hair; long, slender, "piano-player" fingers; and the "Hassinger bust". Thanks genetics! You got me good! Soooo.....what have I passed down to Iris? Well she appears to be tall for her age (+), which is not from me, but based on the fact that she is 4 and wearing 6/6X clothing, I am guessing she has inherited my metabolism (-) Boo! She also appears to have some rhythm, singing, and dancing ability so that she DEFINITELY did not inherit from me! It has been 4 years and I still haven't unpacked the "Skinner Box" so I guess the nature/nurture argument could be used for the rest of this blog but I will be providing other ways that Iris takes after me...
1. DRAMA!: She is a bit dramatic. She prefaces most stories with one of two statements 1) Mom, I have something horrible to tell you! or 2) Mom, do you know what would be AWESOME?! These statements can be anywhere on the "awesome-horrible experience spectrum". For instance, horrible could be anything from water splashing out of the bathtub to the other day when "Lizzi found a dead cat in the backyard" (it was a stray, if that makes anyone feel any better). Awesome could be anywhere from reading a book before bed to going on a vacation or play date....or out for ice cream. Quite honestly starting her statements with either of these phrases gives me no clue about the upcoming story. In my life you would notice this when I am telling a story and start it with "Oh my gosh! This is the funniest thing ever!" or just "OH MY GOSH!" and then I provide the disclaimer "sorry, this story isn't that great, I didn't mean to get your hopes up!" Always warn your audience or at least capture their attention momentarily! Iris has started using this skills already! Well done!
2. NO FILTER: So I often take Iris with me to the nursing home in order to expose her to people who are different from her and she tends to brighten everyone's day....on her good days. However, when I give her this "opportunity" I have to be prepared for the fact that she has NO FILTER....a trait she completely inherited from me. First of all, anytime she sees anyone over the age of about 50 she refers to the person as a "grandpa" or "grandma". This would be ok....IF SHE COULD WHISPER, but alas, she cannot! She has to explain to me (as if I have some difficulty comprehending age differences) when people are older. Example: In the store at about 60 dB, "Mom, look at that old grandma! She's old and buying stuff at the store. She's like 'Look at me. I'm a grandma!'!". Well done Iris! Way to draw attention. So when we go in the nursing home she expects to see older people but she wants to know exactly how old they are! Recently...Guy at nursing home: How old are you? Iris: I was three a few days ago but I am 4 now. How old are you? Guy: I'm 93 Iris: Whoa! That's a big number!
Boom! Well done Iris! As if a near centenarian isn't aware of their age/longevity (that was for you, Michael Weber ;-)! )!
Another concern of Iris's: Guys with long hair. At a regular Iris whisper level....JUST KIDDING, she doesn't whisper....she will say (while standing about 4 feet from an individual with longer hair) "Mom, is that a boy or a girl?" I will reply with "Boy", back to her "Why does he have long hair?", me: "because he wants to. Let it go Iris" Iris: "Boys don't have long hair, Mom, girls have long hair. He looks like a girl!" Me: "ENOUGH! LET IT GO! BOYS AND GIRLS CAN BOTH HAVE HAIR HOWEVER LONG THEY WANT!" *cue stares from random strangers while I lose my cool*
3. IMAGINARY ARGUMENTS: When I get in an argument with someone....they typically have NO IDEA. I have dated and broken up with guys that had no idea of neither our relationship nor my existence. I feel this is easier because I am actually very forgiving so I might as well not tell them EVERY time we are dating and breaking up! No point in making "perfect 7" sad and depressed! I also have conversations that never existed when I tell stories to other people. Example: "So then what I SHOULD HAVE said is.........She didn't have any right! Who does she think she is?! I should have told her what everyone thinks about her....that she is a......" I am actually amazing at these arguments because I do a lot of driving so I have PLENTY of commute time to assemble impenetrable points to fling back at someone at a moment's notice! I have never actually used these amazing lines on people but maybe someday I will and they will stand and stare at me with a new respect (RIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTTT!!!!) Apparently this trait is dominant! Iris and I had a "discussion" the other day about who was the boss and who actually decided whether or not she was taking a bath. As I walk past the bathroom door I can hear Iris "re-enacting" the discussion with me! "Oh yeah? Well I am the boss! I AM NOT taking a bath! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS!" Well played, Iris. Well played!
4. CALORIC INTAKE: While I sat here typing this I smell the scent of peanut butter and look over at Iris watching tv, eating peanut butter from the container, with a spoon. She may or may not have seen me do this, uh how ELSE am I expected to get my protein?! I also fell asleep in a chair a couple weeks ago and woke up to a wonderful smell. After verifying that I did appear to be alive and in my own home and not some Candy Land Heaven or Diabetic fantasy, I looked around to see what the smell was and see a particular Evil Genius COATED in vanilla frosting! I was instantly irritated but I felt that if given the chance I would probably want to do that as well! Iris and I kind of live by the saying "nothing in moderation"....oops! If you are going to do something....do it BIG! Really? Peanut butter on a piece of bread? Frosting on a cookie, graham cracker or even spoon......ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz! Oh sorry! I fell asleep! BORING! That's what tablespoons and bendable digits on our hands are for! You only live once and no one has ever been on their death bed and said "I wish I hadn't eaten so much frosting!"....at least no one I know has!
5. CRAZY HAIR!: Oh me! Oh my! I thought I'd die! In case you didn't recognize that line...there is a book aptly named "Crazy Hair" and that is at the beginning of the story/poem. I am pretty excited that NO ONE ever has to question who Iris's mom is when we are out. It actually gets a little awkward for people....awkward look at me, then Iris...."oh, I, uh, see where she got her.....curly hair from." Oh really, lady who can't play off the fact that she was thinking "frizzy and unruly"? Can you? Weird! Is it really the hair? Or even the pasty white skin tone, the red hair? Difficult to narrow it down really! I don't even have Iris do her hair in the mornings, for the most part, because I DO put effort into my hair and it doesn't really look that much better than hers! I love that I can be just like MY mom 28 years ago and just go absolutely apes@#% on Iris's head with a hairbrush! Ow! Ouch! Mom, that hurts! Uh.....yeah! I KNOW! BEEN THERE! Beauty is pain, Iris! It will do you good to learn this life lesson early! Also, having a parent declare full out war on your sensitive scalp will certainly build character in the future! And possibly some psychological issues and perhaps even a concussion....but who's counting or getting a plus/delta chart set up?! Not this girl! Bring on the pain, Iris! Because as you will hear REPEATEDLY throughout your life....PEOPLE PAY BIG MONEY FOR HAIR LIKE OURS!
6. CLUMSY!: Ok, if you have ever seen me in public and said my name and I didn't respond it was probably because I am pretty sure that anytime I take my attention off of what I am doing or where I am going I will certainly fall down steps, run into something, spill something, gain a bruise or visible mark, or inflict some other type of bodily harm to myself. DOMINANT! I have seriously stopped saying things like "Be careful!" and "Watch what you are doing!" to Iris because I might as well just throw stuff around on the floor or break items the second those words are uttered out of my mouth! I have actually now had to start using, "Hmmmm, that's weird! It's almost like I warned you about that happening! Do you understand why I said that now! Maybe you should listen to Mommy!" I kind of feel bad because I am certain that SOME of the accidents are actual accidents but if she would just concentrate a little bit she could prevent this! I have to concentrate on not falling, spilling, slipping, breaking, running into, and bruising all the time and it is time she learned to do the same!
7. Soulless: I want to be the perfect mom that many of my friends are but it really doesn't seem to fit with what my little Evil Genius responds to, so I, in fact, have to be a little cold and soulless. When Iris does something and says it is an accident I often respond with "I understand that it was an accident, but that doesn't exactly fix anything or make it ok does it? Didn't I warn you about that?" In response to a "sorry I let the dogs fight"...." Well Iris, 'I'm sorry' doesn't really put the Urgent Care co-pay back on my debit card does it? Nor does it fix the dogs who fought! I'm glad you're sorry but that's not helping right now is it?! I want you to listen in the first place! Then you don't have to be sorry!" I know! I am cruel, but it's frustrating! Anyhow, Iris has seemed to pick up this attitude and when she is around other kids she passes this loving kindness on! For instance, with small children "Would you like a cookie? Not until you say please!" or once when I asked someone to apologize to her."Mom, I don't think that was very loud! She didn't say sorry so I could hear it! Have her say it again but louder so I can hear it!" Well done tiny evil clone! In case some poor child's parent isn't being cruel and heartless enough to them to require a substantial amount of money be set aside for therapy in the future....WE HAVE YOU COVERED!
In closing, here is my advice to you....CHOOSE WISELY WHEN REPRODUCING! No seriously! I work in the schools! Not enough people think this through! You want your child to be far superior to you, right!? Well if you plan on being the main influence for them you had better prepare them genetically to be better than you! If Iris only had my traits we would probably both have bed sores now and her clothes would never match! Lucky for me her biological counterpart has the ability to be obsessive (in a way different from me, I am only obsessive with stalking, but not with anything useful ;-) True story!) and can throw a matching outfit together and accessorize! The future lies in your decision making! Be careful!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Living the dream....I taught her everything I know!!
Sorry there has been some time between blog posts but I got busy and couldn't think of anything I could write a full paragraph about....although if you work with me you will be shocked at this information because I can often make a 5 minute story last an entire lunch period (no exaggeration). The lunch story case is often because I get distracted and forget what I was talking about or even why I was telling the story....typically there is not a logical explanation for either of these but when I'm writing I try to stay a little more focused (don't laugh!). Also, I am not sure if anyone realizes the difference between me and my siblings as far as "living the dream" is concerned. While my siblings each live in areas that can be considered "cities" and may have a need for a store that is open 24 hours a day (Wal-Mart, Kroger's, Meijer's), I choose to live a simpler life. Iris and I live in a "village" that has 2 fast food establishments, 3 gas stations, 3 traffic lights, and a church at nearly every street corner. When we go in the grocery store, most of the checkout people refer to Iris by name and compliment her "original" outfit choices. I LOVE small town living and truly think we are "living the dream"... in a single parent household, in a two bedroom rental, with student loans and a car payment, working two jobs...with my checkbook in a chronically overdrawn state (but no, really!)*dramatic sigh*
So today's goal is to put together a few Iris stories that always make me think "Man! We really ARE living the dream!
1) This has been a pretty tough year as far as illnesses have gone and we were not immune to this. I was ill a few times and Iris had what may have started off as a flu-like sickness and then ended up as an ear infection. "Poor Iris", you may be thinking....well go ahead and stop thinking that! The girl was loving life! She had a little difficulty sleeping one night and woke up and threw up! I am frantically running around trying to clean up the floor and tend to her because I know how much I hate being sick, especially when my beloved sleep is interrupted. I get her downstairs and cleaned up, at which point she has woken up a little more and "come to". Once I get her settled back into bed she requests 'Can we call Grandma to tell her I threw up?". Uhhhh...NO! Not that my mom isn't completely used to being awoken during the night to non-important phone calls (though these are typically referred to as "drunk dials" and often do involve throwing up) but I thought this may seal the deal in me being the least favorite child if I breech her slumber with a play by play commentary of Evil Genius's vomit session! So I make Iris go back to sleep and wait until morning to call Grandma! She of course doesn't forget and wakes up completely gung-ho on calling my mom! What could this hurt?! Maybe she just wants sympathy! No! She calls my mom and gives her a description that I am pretty sure, with very little imagination, my mother could have practically relived the experience. She took the phone to the exact location to where she threw up and "showed" my mom what happened. As all grandmothers do (or at least in my opinion, SHOULD DO) my mom played along! "OH MY GOODNESS! RIGHT THERE?! ARE YOU OK NOW?! DO YOU FEEL BETTER?! MY POOR SWEET PEA!!!" This has since become a story she has shared with everyone in any instance she can think of! EVERYONE! I often have to smile and explain to random people that she is just telling them about an experience she had months ago and is no longer sick! Fear not! A kid who LOVES the flu?! Living the dream!
2) If you take note of the checkbook comment earlier you will assume we do not typically go on vacations....your assumption is correct. Our "big" vacations have consisted of visiting a friend in the state of Delaware for a few days. These are always amazing vacations (because my friend is a far better planner than me and has our weekend set up when we get there and Iris and I just follow along and experience the magic the the East has to provide!) If you don't always go on vacation you don't always get the fun "On Location" vacation pictures....but you can still get some awesome pics with "famous" characters! Move over Disney princesses....enter Fredrick's IGA! Iris has posed with the M&M display twice at IGA! She requests her picture be taken and then will even do multiple poses! Pose 1: Beside M&M Pose 2: BE the M&M and reach your arms around the sides of it! Thanks to the staff at IGA we are allowed to do this....I think that they have pretty much just accepted our eccentricity and moved on. I am SLIGHTLY concerned that we are turning into the family that people just kind of smile and nod politely at, and then quietly say to each other "Bless their hearts!".....but I am certain this is happening! We have also gathered souvenirs from these little "staycations". When we walk to the store, Iris will often find and collect small items along the way. Lately this has been pine cones. We will have multiple items in the bottom of the re-useable grocery bags we take with us. So by the time our groceries are bagged at the store the checkout lady often does a second glance in the bag and says something along the lines of "oh, goodness let me clean the out for you!" to which I quickly respond "oh, no! we found that stuff on the way here!" (as if that is an acceptable excuse) *Insert smile and nod* 45 minute (total including walking to and from) vacations to Fredrick's IGA in "downtown" Carey, Ohio (or would it be considered "downvillage"?).....LIVING THE DREAM!
3) Going out to dinner is kind of a treat for Iris and myself. Mostly because I don't have to put pressure on myself to do dishes (in order to have some clean to make a meal) and we get a little time out and about as the awesome mother-daughter pair we are! However, if you have ever met Iris/Evil Genius, you will realize that any place you go with her should probably serve some type of alcohol! Not just for me, but also for the servers and anyone in the tables around us. Iris has addressed this issue on her own and if I say "Let's go out to eat!" Iris will quickly respond with "Let's go to Carmie's and sit at the bar!" YAY! My mother of the year award is in the mail, I'm sure! Not only does my child know the word and meaning of "bar" but can name restaurants with a bar, and will tell me what she is getting....BEFORE WE GET THERE! When we do go in she is greeted by name! We are like a mother-daughter version of Norm at "Cheers" but Iris and Rachel at Carmie's! LIVING THE DREAM! *Side-note: We were at Jenis's Splendid Ice Cream in Powell, OH and Iris requested sitting at the bar there, as well, and promptly FELL OFF THE BAR STOOL! All of the actual bars we were at and she falls off one at an establishment with no alcohol (unless you count the whiskey and pecan ice cream)*
4) I have always had issues with my hair and it took me just shy of 30 years to come to terms with the curliness and fuzziness associated with it. Quite honestly, my hair is a complete reflection of my personality, though Iris will often look at me in the morning with complete seriousness and tell me "Mom, your hair looks a little....nervous today." So I have made it my parenting goal (or at least one of them) to make Iris love and appreciate her crazy hair! We regularly read the book "Crazy Hair" and do a daily fist pound (followed by "blowing it up" and bringing it down with fireworks) while saying "CURLS ROCK!" (and also "MERMAID!" or "PRINCESS"). Iris still does not want her hair brushed in the morning unless it can be braided (which I am unable to do) but I have given up on this by realizing that her hair doesn't look any worse than mine and I do put effort into my hair....ah well, such is life! I HAVE apparently given her some idea of the awesomeness of her hair though because a recent request from her has been to answer the question "Mom, which curl is your FAVORITE?" hmmmm....my favorite?! I am not sure! I have found, with time, that I actually DO have favorite curls! Iris does too! She tends to favor the ones that originate behind her ears and fall forward when she leans downward, whereas I prefer the ones that hang down her back in complete ringlets and just look like little tubes of red hair! Identifying your FAVORITE aspects of yourself and making others point them out as well rather than tearing yourself apart and finding things you don't like about yourself?! I think we could ALL learn something from this Evil Genius! LIVING THE DREAM!
Ok, so I got to 4 ways that Iris is living the dream and am running low on time to write more (Evil Genius will be up soon!) but I think it is showing that I have taught her everything that I know! I am going to try to be more consistent with my blogging because I will be hopefully having more free-time since school is out and therefore much more Iris-time, thus more "material"! Enjoy for now! If you have any requests for blogs based on something I have talked about previously, let me know! I never know if I am repeating myself or not. I also tend to think things that aren't funny ARE and vice versa! Iris has been pretty sassy lately though so hopefully I will be back soon! Harass me if I am not!
So today's goal is to put together a few Iris stories that always make me think "Man! We really ARE living the dream!
1) This has been a pretty tough year as far as illnesses have gone and we were not immune to this. I was ill a few times and Iris had what may have started off as a flu-like sickness and then ended up as an ear infection. "Poor Iris", you may be thinking....well go ahead and stop thinking that! The girl was loving life! She had a little difficulty sleeping one night and woke up and threw up! I am frantically running around trying to clean up the floor and tend to her because I know how much I hate being sick, especially when my beloved sleep is interrupted. I get her downstairs and cleaned up, at which point she has woken up a little more and "come to". Once I get her settled back into bed she requests 'Can we call Grandma to tell her I threw up?". Uhhhh...NO! Not that my mom isn't completely used to being awoken during the night to non-important phone calls (though these are typically referred to as "drunk dials" and often do involve throwing up) but I thought this may seal the deal in me being the least favorite child if I breech her slumber with a play by play commentary of Evil Genius's vomit session! So I make Iris go back to sleep and wait until morning to call Grandma! She of course doesn't forget and wakes up completely gung-ho on calling my mom! What could this hurt?! Maybe she just wants sympathy! No! She calls my mom and gives her a description that I am pretty sure, with very little imagination, my mother could have practically relived the experience. She took the phone to the exact location to where she threw up and "showed" my mom what happened. As all grandmothers do (or at least in my opinion, SHOULD DO) my mom played along! "OH MY GOODNESS! RIGHT THERE?! ARE YOU OK NOW?! DO YOU FEEL BETTER?! MY POOR SWEET PEA!!!" This has since become a story she has shared with everyone in any instance she can think of! EVERYONE! I often have to smile and explain to random people that she is just telling them about an experience she had months ago and is no longer sick! Fear not! A kid who LOVES the flu?! Living the dream!
2) If you take note of the checkbook comment earlier you will assume we do not typically go on vacations....your assumption is correct. Our "big" vacations have consisted of visiting a friend in the state of Delaware for a few days. These are always amazing vacations (because my friend is a far better planner than me and has our weekend set up when we get there and Iris and I just follow along and experience the magic the the East has to provide!) If you don't always go on vacation you don't always get the fun "On Location" vacation pictures....but you can still get some awesome pics with "famous" characters! Move over Disney princesses....enter Fredrick's IGA! Iris has posed with the M&M display twice at IGA! She requests her picture be taken and then will even do multiple poses! Pose 1: Beside M&M Pose 2: BE the M&M and reach your arms around the sides of it! Thanks to the staff at IGA we are allowed to do this....I think that they have pretty much just accepted our eccentricity and moved on. I am SLIGHTLY concerned that we are turning into the family that people just kind of smile and nod politely at, and then quietly say to each other "Bless their hearts!".....but I am certain this is happening! We have also gathered souvenirs from these little "staycations". When we walk to the store, Iris will often find and collect small items along the way. Lately this has been pine cones. We will have multiple items in the bottom of the re-useable grocery bags we take with us. So by the time our groceries are bagged at the store the checkout lady often does a second glance in the bag and says something along the lines of "oh, goodness let me clean the out for you!" to which I quickly respond "oh, no! we found that stuff on the way here!" (as if that is an acceptable excuse) *Insert smile and nod* 45 minute (total including walking to and from) vacations to Fredrick's IGA in "downtown" Carey, Ohio (or would it be considered "downvillage"?).....LIVING THE DREAM!
3) Going out to dinner is kind of a treat for Iris and myself. Mostly because I don't have to put pressure on myself to do dishes (in order to have some clean to make a meal) and we get a little time out and about as the awesome mother-daughter pair we are! However, if you have ever met Iris/Evil Genius, you will realize that any place you go with her should probably serve some type of alcohol! Not just for me, but also for the servers and anyone in the tables around us. Iris has addressed this issue on her own and if I say "Let's go out to eat!" Iris will quickly respond with "Let's go to Carmie's and sit at the bar!" YAY! My mother of the year award is in the mail, I'm sure! Not only does my child know the word and meaning of "bar" but can name restaurants with a bar, and will tell me what she is getting....BEFORE WE GET THERE! When we do go in she is greeted by name! We are like a mother-daughter version of Norm at "Cheers" but Iris and Rachel at Carmie's! LIVING THE DREAM! *Side-note: We were at Jenis's Splendid Ice Cream in Powell, OH and Iris requested sitting at the bar there, as well, and promptly FELL OFF THE BAR STOOL! All of the actual bars we were at and she falls off one at an establishment with no alcohol (unless you count the whiskey and pecan ice cream)*
4) I have always had issues with my hair and it took me just shy of 30 years to come to terms with the curliness and fuzziness associated with it. Quite honestly, my hair is a complete reflection of my personality, though Iris will often look at me in the morning with complete seriousness and tell me "Mom, your hair looks a little....nervous today." So I have made it my parenting goal (or at least one of them) to make Iris love and appreciate her crazy hair! We regularly read the book "Crazy Hair" and do a daily fist pound (followed by "blowing it up" and bringing it down with fireworks) while saying "CURLS ROCK!" (and also "MERMAID!" or "PRINCESS"). Iris still does not want her hair brushed in the morning unless it can be braided (which I am unable to do) but I have given up on this by realizing that her hair doesn't look any worse than mine and I do put effort into my hair....ah well, such is life! I HAVE apparently given her some idea of the awesomeness of her hair though because a recent request from her has been to answer the question "Mom, which curl is your FAVORITE?" hmmmm....my favorite?! I am not sure! I have found, with time, that I actually DO have favorite curls! Iris does too! She tends to favor the ones that originate behind her ears and fall forward when she leans downward, whereas I prefer the ones that hang down her back in complete ringlets and just look like little tubes of red hair! Identifying your FAVORITE aspects of yourself and making others point them out as well rather than tearing yourself apart and finding things you don't like about yourself?! I think we could ALL learn something from this Evil Genius! LIVING THE DREAM!
Ok, so I got to 4 ways that Iris is living the dream and am running low on time to write more (Evil Genius will be up soon!) but I think it is showing that I have taught her everything that I know! I am going to try to be more consistent with my blogging because I will be hopefully having more free-time since school is out and therefore much more Iris-time, thus more "material"! Enjoy for now! If you have any requests for blogs based on something I have talked about previously, let me know! I never know if I am repeating myself or not. I also tend to think things that aren't funny ARE and vice versa! Iris has been pretty sassy lately though so hopefully I will be back soon! Harass me if I am not!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Iris means "dainty" in another language.....or at least it should
So I am not sure if I mentioned this before or not but when I was pregnant I had vision of a delicate, blue-eyed bundle of chubby baby that grew into a sweet little girl who would sit in her bed and patiently listen as I read her a book, then we would say bedtime prayers, I would kiss her head tell her I love her and she would drift blissfully off to sleep. Looking ahead 4 years (I was technically pregnant this time 4 years ago) that's pretty much what I got....with the exception of the delicate part and the patient part...and the sleeping in her own bed part....oh hell, she's a girl with blue eyes, close enough! We do a lot of driving in a day. Iris and I have a half hour drive a couple mornings a week to go to work/school and then one day a week we have a half hour to ballet and a half hour drive home. I would assume this would lead to some quality bonding time, or perhaps we could hang out in the car and sing some really awesome kidz bop songs together, tell stories about our day or just drive quietly. Well you know what "they" say about assuming...and such is the case this time. We listen to such classic hits (or perhaps Iris originals) as "Row, Row, Row Your Poop", "Old McDonald Had a Poop" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Poop". Cute, huh! I was initially thinking that this would be a phase that maybe she would grow out of. No luck so far. As a matter of fact it may even be spreading. Iris also has a cute little thing she does in which she says "Mom, I have something for you...." and then comes over and kisses my cheek. Awwwwww! However, this has just been a ploy to lure me in. The last few times have involved her saying "Mom, I have something for you...." and then "tooting" on me or even saying something like "Hey, Mom! I wanna poop on your face!" Wow, Iris! As alluring as 2 girls, 1 sippy cup sounds, I think I'm gonna go ahead and pass on the having someone poop on my face offer! It's a risk I'm willing to take! Another classic Iris move in the car: "Mom, What is that smell?!" "Uh, I'm not sure, Iris. It might be one of the fields or maybe a farm." "No, Mom, it's my butt, I just tooted." (followed by maniacal laughing) "Oh, Good one, Iris! You really got me good that time!"
Sooooo....what are the odds of her outgrowing this phase? My guess is NOT LIKELY. Why? You ask. Well because I laugh at bathroom humor and have the sense of humor of a 7th grade boy. I pretty much find burps and farts funny. I may actually have to take some of the blame for her behavior. I'm going to make a confession that I don't often make. My initial hope was that I would have a boy when I was pregnant because I was certain I wouldn't be girlie enough for a princess-y girlie girl. Lucky for me I gave birth to a little girl who wears a tutu, wings, and a crown and then threatens to poop on my face. She's so dainty!
Sooooo....what are the odds of her outgrowing this phase? My guess is NOT LIKELY. Why? You ask. Well because I laugh at bathroom humor and have the sense of humor of a 7th grade boy. I pretty much find burps and farts funny. I may actually have to take some of the blame for her behavior. I'm going to make a confession that I don't often make. My initial hope was that I would have a boy when I was pregnant because I was certain I wouldn't be girlie enough for a princess-y girlie girl. Lucky for me I gave birth to a little girl who wears a tutu, wings, and a crown and then threatens to poop on my face. She's so dainty!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
F@%#ING RULES!
So Iris is halfway through her first year of preschool. She is apparently amazing there...not intelligence wise...she's pretty average in that respect, and almost, dare I say, SHY. She loves going and seems to be making friends but I have one ongoing fear about exposing her to my co-workers. She is an evil genius and longs to cuss like a sailor! I have already had co-workers spew their differing opinions on me regarding other life, child-rearing, and working choices, the last thing I need is for them to hear my Sweet Iris curse a blue streak when some little kid steals her toy!
There are a few words that Iris believes are bad that really aren't, they just aren't "nice" (ex. stupid, dumb) and others that I don't feel are acceptable in any home (ex. gay (used as an insult), retarded, and any religious based curse) but apparently I wasn't specific enough about other words. You would think that with a typical child you would be able to say "that's a bad word....don't say it again" and the issue would be handled. The major fault of that statement is the word "typical". Remember, my child is an evil genius. She will clearly find a loophole in this rule. Here's how she handles the situation. Typical conversation between Iris and myself:
Iris: Mom, is shit a bad word?
Me: Yes
Iris: So can I say shit?
Me: No, and you have already said it twice...you need to stop!
Iris: Mom, so I am not allowed to say shit? You say it.
Me: Iris, can you go get me the soap?
Iris: I DON'T WANT MY MOUTH WASHED OUT!!!
So we already established that it was a bad word and she can't say it in regular speech. Story over? HARDLY! On our way to school yesterday:
Iris: Mom, is damn a bad word?
Me: Yes
Iris: But did the guy in the song just say "damn"?
Me: Yes, he did
Iris: So can I say damn if I'm singing it in a song?
Me: Uh, well you can say darn
Iris: No, mom, I said can I sing damn in a song?
Me: Ummmm, well I guess if it's just in this car and just in this song you can sing it.
Iris: Mom, turn the song up louder.
Awesome, Cussy McCussalot! You have turned me into THAT parent! There goes my mother of the year award. I have a three year old who now cusses in song but corrects me when I cuss....sadly it involves statements such as "Hey, Mom, you just said shit and shit is a bad word. Say you're sorry for saying shit. Do you need your mouth washed out?" No, Iris, as a matter of fact I don't need my mouth washed out. I need to "Groundhog Day" the first few years of your life so I get this right next time. At this point I think I may be in over my head and your cuteness is pretty much all that keeps me from dropping you off at a fire station or hospital (well the cuteness and the fact that that little window of opportunity shut itself shortly after she was born).
Overall, I don't think I really screwed her up too much! I mean, sure, she cusses repeatedly, but I still think I'm a pretty kick ass mom! Actually, I know I am....Iris told me so!
There are a few words that Iris believes are bad that really aren't, they just aren't "nice" (ex. stupid, dumb) and others that I don't feel are acceptable in any home (ex. gay (used as an insult), retarded, and any religious based curse) but apparently I wasn't specific enough about other words. You would think that with a typical child you would be able to say "that's a bad word....don't say it again" and the issue would be handled. The major fault of that statement is the word "typical". Remember, my child is an evil genius. She will clearly find a loophole in this rule. Here's how she handles the situation. Typical conversation between Iris and myself:
Iris: Mom, is shit a bad word?
Me: Yes
Iris: So can I say shit?
Me: No, and you have already said it twice...you need to stop!
Iris: Mom, so I am not allowed to say shit? You say it.
Me: Iris, can you go get me the soap?
Iris: I DON'T WANT MY MOUTH WASHED OUT!!!
So we already established that it was a bad word and she can't say it in regular speech. Story over? HARDLY! On our way to school yesterday:
Iris: Mom, is damn a bad word?
Me: Yes
Iris: But did the guy in the song just say "damn"?
Me: Yes, he did
Iris: So can I say damn if I'm singing it in a song?
Me: Uh, well you can say darn
Iris: No, mom, I said can I sing damn in a song?
Me: Ummmm, well I guess if it's just in this car and just in this song you can sing it.
Iris: Mom, turn the song up louder.
Awesome, Cussy McCussalot! You have turned me into THAT parent! There goes my mother of the year award. I have a three year old who now cusses in song but corrects me when I cuss....sadly it involves statements such as "Hey, Mom, you just said shit and shit is a bad word. Say you're sorry for saying shit. Do you need your mouth washed out?" No, Iris, as a matter of fact I don't need my mouth washed out. I need to "Groundhog Day" the first few years of your life so I get this right next time. At this point I think I may be in over my head and your cuteness is pretty much all that keeps me from dropping you off at a fire station or hospital (well the cuteness and the fact that that little window of opportunity shut itself shortly after she was born).
Overall, I don't think I really screwed her up too much! I mean, sure, she cusses repeatedly, but I still think I'm a pretty kick ass mom! Actually, I know I am....Iris told me so!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
We gotta talk!
So in honor of Iris turning 3 this past week I figure I should dedicate a blog to the fact that I somehow survived 27 years without her necessary advice. Here is a list of advice she has given me....and to really drive the point home she typically starts her "advice" with the statement "Mom, come here, we gotta talk!" I will then follow up with a quick and witty comeback that loses all humor with 3 year old (she has NO IDEA how much of a riot I am!)
"Mom, we gotta talk...."
In the car:
- drive and hold on with both hands!
*Who are you? Driving school? Last I checked I am driving and you didn't even take the classes!
- stop singing!
*Um, I LOVE this song and I have an amazing car voice! If we turn the radio up you won't be able to hear me!
- turn this song louder!
* Right on!
- I don't like this song!
*(under my breath) I do! (as I change the station)
At home:
- can we eat gum for dinner?
*Not exactly, but its all chewing so you can pretend that dinner is gum!
- can we read 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 books before bed?
*Um, I definitely blocked out your voice after 2 and by arguing with me I may drop that to 1....keep pushing it lady!
-let's go get ice cream
*Get your shoes on!
So I feel like the "We gotta talk" has lost some of its significance.. I'm not exactly how I am going to address serious talks in the future if Iris is using the "We gotta talk" line on issues of limited importance (gum for dinner?!). I think I may be developing my own way to make her know that she is in for a serious talk! "Iris, here is the agenda for our conversation....Topics include, How was your day? What do you want for dinner? and The negative effects of peer pressure and early drinking on young teenage girls. Any questions?" Or perhaps, "How was your day? Oh BTW (yeah I will totally use text talk to enhance the importance of the message), do you know about HPV?!" or "What up? (gangsta mommy!) and can you explain this C in English to me because I am having a difficult time understanding average grades in a class you have been studying SINCE YOU WERE BORN!" I am trying to picture how these will go and am pretty sure I have this whole parenting thing figured out, but if you have any better ideas....We gotta talk!
"Mom, we gotta talk...."
In the car:
- drive and hold on with both hands!
*Who are you? Driving school? Last I checked I am driving and you didn't even take the classes!
- stop singing!
*Um, I LOVE this song and I have an amazing car voice! If we turn the radio up you won't be able to hear me!
- turn this song louder!
* Right on!
- I don't like this song!
*(under my breath) I do! (as I change the station)
At home:
- can we eat gum for dinner?
*Not exactly, but its all chewing so you can pretend that dinner is gum!
- can we read 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 books before bed?
*Um, I definitely blocked out your voice after 2 and by arguing with me I may drop that to 1....keep pushing it lady!
-let's go get ice cream
*Get your shoes on!
So I feel like the "We gotta talk" has lost some of its significance.. I'm not exactly how I am going to address serious talks in the future if Iris is using the "We gotta talk" line on issues of limited importance (gum for dinner?!). I think I may be developing my own way to make her know that she is in for a serious talk! "Iris, here is the agenda for our conversation....Topics include, How was your day? What do you want for dinner? and The negative effects of peer pressure and early drinking on young teenage girls. Any questions?" Or perhaps, "How was your day? Oh BTW (yeah I will totally use text talk to enhance the importance of the message), do you know about HPV?!" or "What up? (gangsta mommy!) and can you explain this C in English to me because I am having a difficult time understanding average grades in a class you have been studying SINCE YOU WERE BORN!" I am trying to picture how these will go and am pretty sure I have this whole parenting thing figured out, but if you have any better ideas....We gotta talk!
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