So I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before or not (and quite honestly I am too lazy to re-read my previous blogs to see what I have already said. It makes reading this like talking to me in person, I suppose, in that I tell and re-tell stories and ramble incoherently, forget what I am talking about, try to loop it back around and end up with a different point or story altogether) but....I was a perfect child. If not completely perfect....I WAS PRETTY CLOSE! I required one reprimand, never lied, and seldom attempted to break any rules. I have pretty much made up for this in my adulthood so I guess everything evens out in the end. With this in mind, I anticipate my Evil Genius being a VERY BORING adult, perhaps even just a regular genius (perish the thought)! Anyhow, most of the time I talk about how much Iris is NOT like me but today I shall talk about the ways that I have noticed she IS like me.
In my life, I joke that I was handed down all of the traits that girls DON'T want from their father, from mine. I have short, stubby fingers; wide, flat feet; frizzy, curly hair (my dad continues to keep his hair short like when he was in the Marines 30+ years ago so this type of hair is fine on him. *Semper Fi!*); and an.....ample posterior (also not noticeable on my dad but bad for me). Traits from my mother that I did not receive were straight hair; long, slender, "piano-player" fingers; and the "Hassinger bust". Thanks genetics! You got me good! Soooo.....what have I passed down to Iris? Well she appears to be tall for her age (+), which is not from me, but based on the fact that she is 4 and wearing 6/6X clothing, I am guessing she has inherited my metabolism (-) Boo! She also appears to have some rhythm, singing, and dancing ability so that she DEFINITELY did not inherit from me! It has been 4 years and I still haven't unpacked the "Skinner Box" so I guess the nature/nurture argument could be used for the rest of this blog but I will be providing other ways that Iris takes after me...
1. DRAMA!: She is a bit dramatic. She prefaces most stories with one of two statements 1) Mom, I have something horrible to tell you! or 2) Mom, do you know what would be AWESOME?! These statements can be anywhere on the "awesome-horrible experience spectrum". For instance, horrible could be anything from water splashing out of the bathtub to the other day when "Lizzi found a dead cat in the backyard" (it was a stray, if that makes anyone feel any better). Awesome could be anywhere from reading a book before bed to going on a vacation or play date....or out for ice cream. Quite honestly starting her statements with either of these phrases gives me no clue about the upcoming story. In my life you would notice this when I am telling a story and start it with "Oh my gosh! This is the funniest thing ever!" or just "OH MY GOSH!" and then I provide the disclaimer "sorry, this story isn't that great, I didn't mean to get your hopes up!" Always warn your audience or at least capture their attention momentarily! Iris has started using this skills already! Well done!
2. NO FILTER: So I often take Iris with me to the nursing home in order to expose her to people who are different from her and she tends to brighten everyone's day....on her good days. However, when I give her this "opportunity" I have to be prepared for the fact that she has NO FILTER....a trait she completely inherited from me. First of all, anytime she sees anyone over the age of about 50 she refers to the person as a "grandpa" or "grandma". This would be ok....IF SHE COULD WHISPER, but alas, she cannot! She has to explain to me (as if I have some difficulty comprehending age differences) when people are older. Example: In the store at about 60 dB, "Mom, look at that old grandma! She's old and buying stuff at the store. She's like 'Look at me. I'm a grandma!'!". Well done Iris! Way to draw attention. So when we go in the nursing home she expects to see older people but she wants to know exactly how old they are! Recently...Guy at nursing home: How old are you? Iris: I was three a few days ago but I am 4 now. How old are you? Guy: I'm 93 Iris: Whoa! That's a big number!
Boom! Well done Iris! As if a near centenarian isn't aware of their age/longevity (that was for you, Michael Weber ;-)! )!
Another concern of Iris's: Guys with long hair. At a regular Iris whisper level....JUST KIDDING, she doesn't whisper....she will say (while standing about 4 feet from an individual with longer hair) "Mom, is that a boy or a girl?" I will reply with "Boy", back to her "Why does he have long hair?", me: "because he wants to. Let it go Iris" Iris: "Boys don't have long hair, Mom, girls have long hair. He looks like a girl!" Me: "ENOUGH! LET IT GO! BOYS AND GIRLS CAN BOTH HAVE HAIR HOWEVER LONG THEY WANT!" *cue stares from random strangers while I lose my cool*
3. IMAGINARY ARGUMENTS: When I get in an argument with someone....they typically have NO IDEA. I have dated and broken up with guys that had no idea of neither our relationship nor my existence. I feel this is easier because I am actually very forgiving so I might as well not tell them EVERY time we are dating and breaking up! No point in making "perfect 7" sad and depressed! I also have conversations that never existed when I tell stories to other people. Example: "So then what I SHOULD HAVE said is.........She didn't have any right! Who does she think she is?! I should have told her what everyone thinks about her....that she is a......" I am actually amazing at these arguments because I do a lot of driving so I have PLENTY of commute time to assemble impenetrable points to fling back at someone at a moment's notice! I have never actually used these amazing lines on people but maybe someday I will and they will stand and stare at me with a new respect (RIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTTT!!!!) Apparently this trait is dominant! Iris and I had a "discussion" the other day about who was the boss and who actually decided whether or not she was taking a bath. As I walk past the bathroom door I can hear Iris "re-enacting" the discussion with me! "Oh yeah? Well I am the boss! I AM NOT taking a bath! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS!" Well played, Iris. Well played!
4. CALORIC INTAKE: While I sat here typing this I smell the scent of peanut butter and look over at Iris watching tv, eating peanut butter from the container, with a spoon. She may or may not have seen me do this, uh how ELSE am I expected to get my protein?! I also fell asleep in a chair a couple weeks ago and woke up to a wonderful smell. After verifying that I did appear to be alive and in my own home and not some Candy Land Heaven or Diabetic fantasy, I looked around to see what the smell was and see a particular Evil Genius COATED in vanilla frosting! I was instantly irritated but I felt that if given the chance I would probably want to do that as well! Iris and I kind of live by the saying "nothing in moderation"....oops! If you are going to do something....do it BIG! Really? Peanut butter on a piece of bread? Frosting on a cookie, graham cracker or even spoon......ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz! Oh sorry! I fell asleep! BORING! That's what tablespoons and bendable digits on our hands are for! You only live once and no one has ever been on their death bed and said "I wish I hadn't eaten so much frosting!"....at least no one I know has!
5. CRAZY HAIR!: Oh me! Oh my! I thought I'd die! In case you didn't recognize that line...there is a book aptly named "Crazy Hair" and that is at the beginning of the story/poem. I am pretty excited that NO ONE ever has to question who Iris's mom is when we are out. It actually gets a little awkward for people....awkward look at me, then Iris...."oh, I, uh, see where she got her.....curly hair from." Oh really, lady who can't play off the fact that she was thinking "frizzy and unruly"? Can you? Weird! Is it really the hair? Or even the pasty white skin tone, the red hair? Difficult to narrow it down really! I don't even have Iris do her hair in the mornings, for the most part, because I DO put effort into my hair and it doesn't really look that much better than hers! I love that I can be just like MY mom 28 years ago and just go absolutely apes@#% on Iris's head with a hairbrush! Ow! Ouch! Mom, that hurts! Uh.....yeah! I KNOW! BEEN THERE! Beauty is pain, Iris! It will do you good to learn this life lesson early! Also, having a parent declare full out war on your sensitive scalp will certainly build character in the future! And possibly some psychological issues and perhaps even a concussion....but who's counting or getting a plus/delta chart set up?! Not this girl! Bring on the pain, Iris! Because as you will hear REPEATEDLY throughout your life....PEOPLE PAY BIG MONEY FOR HAIR LIKE OURS!
6. CLUMSY!: Ok, if you have ever seen me in public and said my name and I didn't respond it was probably because I am pretty sure that anytime I take my attention off of what I am doing or where I am going I will certainly fall down steps, run into something, spill something, gain a bruise or visible mark, or inflict some other type of bodily harm to myself. DOMINANT! I have seriously stopped saying things like "Be careful!" and "Watch what you are doing!" to Iris because I might as well just throw stuff around on the floor or break items the second those words are uttered out of my mouth! I have actually now had to start using, "Hmmmm, that's weird! It's almost like I warned you about that happening! Do you understand why I said that now! Maybe you should listen to Mommy!" I kind of feel bad because I am certain that SOME of the accidents are actual accidents but if she would just concentrate a little bit she could prevent this! I have to concentrate on not falling, spilling, slipping, breaking, running into, and bruising all the time and it is time she learned to do the same!
7. Soulless: I want to be the perfect mom that many of my friends are but it really doesn't seem to fit with what my little Evil Genius responds to, so I, in fact, have to be a little cold and soulless. When Iris does something and says it is an accident I often respond with "I understand that it was an accident, but that doesn't exactly fix anything or make it ok does it? Didn't I warn you about that?" In response to a "sorry I let the dogs fight"...." Well Iris, 'I'm sorry' doesn't really put the Urgent Care co-pay back on my debit card does it? Nor does it fix the dogs who fought! I'm glad you're sorry but that's not helping right now is it?! I want you to listen in the first place! Then you don't have to be sorry!" I know! I am cruel, but it's frustrating! Anyhow, Iris has seemed to pick up this attitude and when she is around other kids she passes this loving kindness on! For instance, with small children "Would you like a cookie? Not until you say please!" or once when I asked someone to apologize to her."Mom, I don't think that was very loud! She didn't say sorry so I could hear it! Have her say it again but louder so I can hear it!" Well done tiny evil clone! In case some poor child's parent isn't being cruel and heartless enough to them to require a substantial amount of money be set aside for therapy in the future....WE HAVE YOU COVERED!
In closing, here is my advice to you....CHOOSE WISELY WHEN REPRODUCING! No seriously! I work in the schools! Not enough people think this through! You want your child to be far superior to you, right!? Well if you plan on being the main influence for them you had better prepare them genetically to be better than you! If Iris only had my traits we would probably both have bed sores now and her clothes would never match! Lucky for me her biological counterpart has the ability to be obsessive (in a way different from me, I am only obsessive with stalking, but not with anything useful ;-) True story!) and can throw a matching outfit together and accessorize! The future lies in your decision making! Be careful!
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