So I often consider whether or not I am living the life that Lady Gaga's mom did when she was nearly 3 years old. Let me explain....
1) Iris, or shall we say Lady EgEg, loves to perform! She will actually take any microphone or anything that looks like a microphone and put on shows. She sings about what's happening, she sings about what's not happening, sadly, these are all in the same verse so her "original" songs are a little hard to follow at times, but really, let's lower our expectations, she's 3.
2) She has a bit of an.....ecclectic taste in music. In started out trying to be supermom and have fun kids songs and cds. We listened to Laurie Berkner, Sandra Boynton, Ziggy Marley Family, BNL Snacktime, etc. but then Iris started listening to the radio. My last cd purchase for my sweet girl involved P!NK's Greatest Hits So Far, and Big Time Rush. She also listens to musicals (you should hear her sing "You don't know" from Next To Normal) and an Ohio State mix cd we have, she loves "Hang on Sloopy" but is sad and questions (EVERY TIME) why anyone would want to "put Sloopy down".
3) She has multiple performance venues! She will take "microphones", this includes, Rock Band accessories, brooms, hairbrushes, planting posts, anything really that appears to be on a stick into the upper level "fort" portion of her play area/swingset and set up her microphones to use while doing various dance moves. She movers her mics around to multiple places and sets them down to dangle from pieces of wood and pretend like she is going to go down the slide. I'm going to have to say that the entertainment factor is pretty high but our safety regulation is somewhat lacking. Instead of safety harnesses and fall nets for her performance as she is jumping, climbing and swinging she has an audience member (me) repeatedly interrupting her song with comments like "Do you think that's safe?" and "If you fall and hurt yourself I'm going to say 'I told you so'"....as long as you say it while your clapping and making requests, its all the same! She also will use the umbrella portion of her sand and sea table to swing around on (yeah, like a pole, clearly not a skill she has learned from me!) and use as a microphone while she is on the elevated (although not stable) sand and sea performance areas.
4) She has a backup singer! When her swing set/ play area was completed the person who built it for her placed a "Billy Bob Bass" in the tower as a house-warming present. She has since learned the repeated lines of "Take Me to the River" and "Don't Worry, Be Happy". She pushes the button and Voila! an instant backup singer! She doesn't want to sing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" again? Perfect, push the button twice!
5) She's has "unconventional" methods of gaining attention during her "concerts". I was summoned to a concert the other day in which she was on the sand and sea table singing with the umbrella post and....NAKED! The performance continued on with various stories and songs while she patted wet, purple sand all over her legs, arms, and back....I imagined that this is a lot like what the fittings for the "meat dress" that Lady Gaga wore would have been like. Sadly, this performance had an encore presentation involving a bath, rather than an awards ceremony.
My fear now is whether or not I should give her pre-school teacher a fair warning for play time at school involving sand and sea tables and swing sets or if I should just leave the staff at school to fend for themselves and learn as they go like I had to! I can only take solace in the fact that her talents will leave her with the opportunity to pay off my student loans someday!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Spring (potty) training!
So now that the weather is nice again I have a whole new area of concern for E.G.and her questionable behavior. Throughout the winter it was easier to keep her sequestered inside the house so that she would keep all of the "eccentricities" of her personality (which I typically find amusing and endearing) private. However, now that the sun is shining and the temperature is on the rise and I am home more often, E.G. has been showing off her evil Mensa potential! I have been leaving the back door open a lot so that E.G. can come and go as she pleases into the fenced in backyard. This has lead to a few issues which will now be addressed.
1. She has figured out how to open the back gate. Most parents would feel this is a safety concern for their child....I clearly understand the safety issue with E.G. escaping the "safe" confines of our backyard (who am I kidding, last year I had to call poison control when she was playing outside in the backyard.....twice) but I have also let the dogs in the front door after I was calmly told that the dogs "ran away" after the back gate was mysteriously opened. Hmmmmm....curious! Wonder how that happened. My mom has since made the gate so that apparently E.G. and I are both locked in the backyard now. I recently found this out when I was putting away some items before a storm and realized that I had locked myself out of the back door of the house (Iris probably had her mommy voo-doo doll in her hands laughing it up at me inside the nice dry house) and had to scrape my hands between two splintered pieces of wood for a few minutes before God and the fence finally had a little mercy on me and unlatched the gate. Gate issue: SOLVED!
2. Someone (though I won't mention any names) has introduced Iris to the beauty of the outdoors being one big restroom....who am I kidding, I am totally going to call someone out on this. I was inside the house while Iris was playing safely outside when she comes in and asks me if I can help her pee outside by the tree....like Meemaw does. Well I'll be damned if I let Meemaw be "the cool one" so I oblige. This has since led to the main issue of this blog post. Potty issue: NOT SOLVED
So I thought this was perhaps a one time deal for the peeing by the tree issue....WRONG! I have since had to talk to her about why we shouldn't pee outside. This is a hard argument to make when she responds with "but the dogs do it". Nothing like the pot calling the kettle black by me asking Iris to be "normal" and "human". I thought this little heart-to-heart we had had solved all of our problems until one day when I was inside at the computer when E.G.came into me frantic and said "Sloopy is eating my poop!" I heroically jump up to save the day when the statement clicks in my brain and I say "Um, Did you poop outside!?" YES! She in fact did! And to make it worse she had covered up her "doings" up with a leaf! Perfect! Apparently I can check the "Bury your own" conversation off of my parenting list! Hurray!
At this point I did 4 things.
1) Washed my hands of the whole outdoor bathroom concern. I told my mom that it was her beast....if she started it she can try to talk to E.G. about it!
2) Instruct her on the "proper" ways to go to the bathroom outside. The ways involve stripping of all of her clothes in order to not "dribble" on anything and to prevent multiple wardrobe changes throughout the day.
3) Patted myself on the back! I effectively prepared E.G. for the walk home from college parties! Yea! Other girls will be waiting in a long line for a bathroom that is most-likely crawling with germs and filth far beyond anything she'll find on the walk home or outside! YES! Now we can begin our more important college lessons like mastering flip-cup and beer-pong!
4) Sent in my mother of the year application! SCORE!
1. She has figured out how to open the back gate. Most parents would feel this is a safety concern for their child....I clearly understand the safety issue with E.G. escaping the "safe" confines of our backyard (who am I kidding, last year I had to call poison control when she was playing outside in the backyard.....twice) but I have also let the dogs in the front door after I was calmly told that the dogs "ran away" after the back gate was mysteriously opened. Hmmmmm....curious! Wonder how that happened. My mom has since made the gate so that apparently E.G. and I are both locked in the backyard now. I recently found this out when I was putting away some items before a storm and realized that I had locked myself out of the back door of the house (Iris probably had her mommy voo-doo doll in her hands laughing it up at me inside the nice dry house) and had to scrape my hands between two splintered pieces of wood for a few minutes before God and the fence finally had a little mercy on me and unlatched the gate. Gate issue: SOLVED!
2. Someone (though I won't mention any names) has introduced Iris to the beauty of the outdoors being one big restroom....who am I kidding, I am totally going to call someone out on this. I was inside the house while Iris was playing safely outside when she comes in and asks me if I can help her pee outside by the tree....like Meemaw does. Well I'll be damned if I let Meemaw be "the cool one" so I oblige. This has since led to the main issue of this blog post. Potty issue: NOT SOLVED
So I thought this was perhaps a one time deal for the peeing by the tree issue....WRONG! I have since had to talk to her about why we shouldn't pee outside. This is a hard argument to make when she responds with "but the dogs do it". Nothing like the pot calling the kettle black by me asking Iris to be "normal" and "human". I thought this little heart-to-heart we had had solved all of our problems until one day when I was inside at the computer when E.G.came into me frantic and said "Sloopy is eating my poop!" I heroically jump up to save the day when the statement clicks in my brain and I say "Um, Did you poop outside!?" YES! She in fact did! And to make it worse she had covered up her "doings" up with a leaf! Perfect! Apparently I can check the "Bury your own" conversation off of my parenting list! Hurray!
At this point I did 4 things.
1) Washed my hands of the whole outdoor bathroom concern. I told my mom that it was her beast....if she started it she can try to talk to E.G. about it!
2) Instruct her on the "proper" ways to go to the bathroom outside. The ways involve stripping of all of her clothes in order to not "dribble" on anything and to prevent multiple wardrobe changes throughout the day.
3) Patted myself on the back! I effectively prepared E.G. for the walk home from college parties! Yea! Other girls will be waiting in a long line for a bathroom that is most-likely crawling with germs and filth far beyond anything she'll find on the walk home or outside! YES! Now we can begin our more important college lessons like mastering flip-cup and beer-pong!
4) Sent in my mother of the year application! SCORE!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Into the Mouth of Babes
So yesterday Iris....Yes! This actually happened yesterday! We are touching upon the food issue again for Iris. My first full day (I am completely disregarding the time spent at my part-time job which has a commute twice as long as the amount of time I am there) home from work for the summer and Iris and I have a full day of errands and bonding planned! Hurray! This day will be EPIC! In my head we will snuggle and laugh and talk and read and.....ah, the list goes on... but we have WAY too much to do for that kind of mother-daughter frolicking! So alas, we go to the bank, get my hair done (where Iris also has her nails done and her hair put in a little up-do, for approximately 1 minute before taking it out), get my bracelet fixed, and the TRUE list goes on. So as we get in the car Iris says "Mom! What is THAT!?" and points to the floor of the car. I look and calmly say "Oh, it must be a dog treat that the dogs left in the car from their last trip to the vet" End of conversation!? Heavens no! and onward...."Mom, is it old?" "Um, probably just a couple days *realization of what is happening hits*, YES! YES! It is VERY old and GROSS! YUCK!" "Mom, I want to eat it!" At this point you are probably thinking that I would forbid the eating of a milkbone and perhaps throw it away and limit her temptation....this is where you are wrong! The bribing part of my mom brain kicks in and I say "If you're really good today you can have the dog treat later!" And it appears to work like a charm.
The basis of today's post is Iris's (Iris' ?) apparent love of milkbones. I actually used them to potty train her. Some parents provide their child with a toy or stickers I provided her with dog treats! Who is going to bed without diapers on? My little K-9 E.G! I am hoping that there is no detrimental effect of the actual treats because 1) she loves them 2) they are amazing bribing tools 3) I feed them to my actual dog pretty regularly. While they have not shown a negative impact on her health here are some things I have noticed. 1) She has amazing hair! Sure its wild and unruly but its shine is awesome! I am thinking that she has the healthiest "coat" of her peers! 2) Her teeth are pretty impressive. She had her very first dentist appointment yesterday and the dentist said "Keep doing what you are doing! Her teeth look great!" Awesome! The milkbone diet is totally paying off! 3) Her breath is horrendous! I don't know exactly what is in a milkbone (Why do I care?! It's only the most important thing in my life eating them!) but I am certain that it should not make anyone's breath smell like that! I am pretty sure that the advertising states that they will freshen your dog's breath but I am certain they deliberately leave off "but not your child's!" Yowzer! Milkbone breath is my kryptonite! In conclusion, I was thinking about checking some labels and seeing what I believe would be the healthiest dog treats for my child and maybe do a child taste test. We have all summer! I can purchase all kinds of dog treats for her! Rate them on time it takes to consume, taste, breath afterward, tooth health, coat shine, etc. This could be an amazing study! I have my money on Greenies! They seem to have been the best for Lizzi, just a little too pricey to keep around the house now but I can probably afford to splurge every now and again for E.G.!
The basis of today's post is Iris's (Iris' ?) apparent love of milkbones. I actually used them to potty train her. Some parents provide their child with a toy or stickers I provided her with dog treats! Who is going to bed without diapers on? My little K-9 E.G! I am hoping that there is no detrimental effect of the actual treats because 1) she loves them 2) they are amazing bribing tools 3) I feed them to my actual dog pretty regularly. While they have not shown a negative impact on her health here are some things I have noticed. 1) She has amazing hair! Sure its wild and unruly but its shine is awesome! I am thinking that she has the healthiest "coat" of her peers! 2) Her teeth are pretty impressive. She had her very first dentist appointment yesterday and the dentist said "Keep doing what you are doing! Her teeth look great!" Awesome! The milkbone diet is totally paying off! 3) Her breath is horrendous! I don't know exactly what is in a milkbone (Why do I care?! It's only the most important thing in my life eating them!) but I am certain that it should not make anyone's breath smell like that! I am pretty sure that the advertising states that they will freshen your dog's breath but I am certain they deliberately leave off "but not your child's!" Yowzer! Milkbone breath is my kryptonite! In conclusion, I was thinking about checking some labels and seeing what I believe would be the healthiest dog treats for my child and maybe do a child taste test. We have all summer! I can purchase all kinds of dog treats for her! Rate them on time it takes to consume, taste, breath afterward, tooth health, coat shine, etc. This could be an amazing study! I have my money on Greenies! They seem to have been the best for Lizzi, just a little too pricey to keep around the house now but I can probably afford to splurge every now and again for E.G.!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Booby-trapped
So my Evil Genius (henceforth referred to as E.G.) is not only evil and a genius but is a huge boob fanatic! Yeah, that's right, you heard me! I am not saying anything classy like "breasts", we're beyond that. Quite honestly you should be happy that I am using a classy word like "boobs" because I tossed around referring to them as fun-bags and knockers throughout the blog but thought maybe that was a bit too far! So from this point on get used to reading it because that's what I am using! Now when I say "huge boob fanatic", I do not mean that she specifies focusing her attention on D cups and larger but the fact that she wants to see EVERYONE'S boobs! ALL THE TIME! Thank goodness she has apparently stopped this habit at the babysitter's house and has patiently waited outside for someone to get dressed at the sitter's to avoid seeing her boobs. *Heavenly Father, I know that I err throughout the day and often commit sins that I intend on doing again and expect you to forgive me but thank you, truly, for performing this small miracle on E.G. while at someone else's home. Amen* I have tried to think back to determine a cause for this and have been unable to come to a definite conclusion. Genetics? Not likely since both of her genetic links would really prefer to not see them (well I clearly have to, but donor has no desire). Breast feeding? Not likely since I am certain that this would be an epidemic and I have seen very few, strike that, try again, NO other children in public quite like E.G. I also feel this would be a warning a lactation consultant may want to mention. The obsession started early and I suppose I should have addressed it then but I blamed her actions on her age and innocence. How was I to know that she was an E.G. at such a young age. I was young and naive and didn't know what to look for! There was no blog for me to reference regarding early signs of evil genius boob fiends! I should have started seeing signs when I would be carrying her and she would see my cleavage as a cup-holder. She would just take a sippy cup or bottle and shove it in my cleavage and then TA-DA two free hands to reach out and grab for other items. She would also just randomly reach into my shirt and hold on. Again, I should have seen this coming! Hindsight is always 20/20 I guess. She is now going up to other people in the family or visitors and saying "Hey, I see your boobs!" or "I just want to see your boobs!" She also recently had the following conversation with her grandmother:
Grandma: I think I am going to take a shower.
E.G.: I want to take a shower too!
Grandma: I don't know, if I let you take a shower with me will you stare at my boobs the whole time?!
E.G.: YES! But you can look at MINE! It's OK! We're friends!
Note- If you're child says this to you at the age of 2 1/2 you want to remember this! In 14 years if E.G. is going to prom with "a friend" You can bet that I will be saying "No!" or at least chaperoning!
So anyway, now, nearly 3 years later I am trying to get dressed and dry off after the shower like a person who lives with a voyeur....OH WAIT, I AM! This is unknown territory for me, because if you know me, or heaven forbid, I have your cell number (no matter how convincing I may seem, NEVER, under ANY circumstance give me your cell phone number, I could write an entirely different blog about my text stalking), you have probably seen my boobs or at least received a picture text of them. So I guess upon reflection it IS, in fact, my fault that she is a boob fiend! But now I am left with the challenge of having E.G. limit her boob talk to home and being satisfied by ogling them through shirts. The take-home lesson from this blog: Give boobs another name that other people can't figure out! That way when your E.G. is requesting to see someone's "car keys" you have no need to be embarrassed and they can deal with the confused look on your E.G.'s face when they show him or her their actual car keys. Downside: 1) Awkward moments if someone needs help finding their keys 2) Extra explanation needed before starting driver's ed.
Good luck! You're going to need it! Just be the breast parent you can be!
*Sorry! I couldn't help myself!*
Grandma: I think I am going to take a shower.
E.G.: I want to take a shower too!
Grandma: I don't know, if I let you take a shower with me will you stare at my boobs the whole time?!
E.G.: YES! But you can look at MINE! It's OK! We're friends!
Note- If you're child says this to you at the age of 2 1/2 you want to remember this! In 14 years if E.G. is going to prom with "a friend" You can bet that I will be saying "No!" or at least chaperoning!
So anyway, now, nearly 3 years later I am trying to get dressed and dry off after the shower like a person who lives with a voyeur....OH WAIT, I AM! This is unknown territory for me, because if you know me, or heaven forbid, I have your cell number (no matter how convincing I may seem, NEVER, under ANY circumstance give me your cell phone number, I could write an entirely different blog about my text stalking), you have probably seen my boobs or at least received a picture text of them. So I guess upon reflection it IS, in fact, my fault that she is a boob fiend! But now I am left with the challenge of having E.G. limit her boob talk to home and being satisfied by ogling them through shirts. The take-home lesson from this blog: Give boobs another name that other people can't figure out! That way when your E.G. is requesting to see someone's "car keys" you have no need to be embarrassed and they can deal with the confused look on your E.G.'s face when they show him or her their actual car keys. Downside: 1) Awkward moments if someone needs help finding their keys 2) Extra explanation needed before starting driver's ed.
Good luck! You're going to need it! Just be the breast parent you can be!
*Sorry! I couldn't help myself!*
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Green Cuisine?!
Alright so I don't know about your child but my E.G. is a one-hit wonder with food. I have tried multiple ways to get her to eat that I will list below....
1) Eating in front of her/with her. I will make her plate look like mine and then sit down and eat with her and talk about how delicious the food is (which is typically a lie, I am not exactly "skilled in a kitchen", but what does she know, sure she is an evil genius but i haven't taken her tons of classy restaurants to dine in. That's what Uncle Joe and Gina are for (and judging by Joe's discomfort at the past three dining out experiences I am thinking we have quite a bit of time before Iris has any classy dining experiences). Anyhow, I like thinking that maybe the peer pressure (assuming people 28 years older than her are considered peers) will convince her to eat what I am eating and enjoy it...or even eat as much as me! WRONG!
2) I turn regular food into PRINCESS FOOD! I will put sprinkles on ANYTHING to make her eat it. This has about a 50% success rating. This works especially well on breakfast foods (waffles, pancakes, toast, etc) but I have also tried it on fruits or a peanut butter sandwich. By putting sprinkles on foods you instantly turn a food from regular commoner food into evil genius princess food! MAGIC!
3) I feed her foods that she has enjoyed in the past or that EVERY kid on the planet enjoys. Peanut butter and jelly, ravioli, chicken nuggets, french fries...the list goes on. She will typically try or eat something once but then its pretty much a gamble on if she will ever eat it again, though with my luck, she probably won't.
4) I let her try to make her own food. I fell like if she helps maybe she will want to eat the food she puts so much hard work into. This works for me! I actually tend to eat it before it is even done cooking! I LOVE what I make! Iris hasn't really impressed herself with her cooking skills up to this point.
5) I tell her that if she eats *insert name of food you would like eaten*, it will make her poop stink. While this sounds disgusting it has worked! I found out about this at the pediatrician's office. The doctor prescribed Augmentin for her and said "That has worked for her in the past, right?" to which I responded "Yes, but it makes her poop stink so badly." She couldn't wait to get home and take her medicine....a new method getting her to eat is born!
OK so all of these presumably genius ideas have failed and I am left with a kid who isn't eating. I have tried to threaten her with the "if you don't eat this you don't eat the rest of the night" but who really suffers after that...ME. She is then up at 2 in the morning asking if she can eat and telling me that she "had a pretty good nap" but is ready to be up now. So what does she eat regularly....HER BOOGERS! WHAT?! Aside from the fact that it is pretty disgusting it makes me crazy! Why would she want to eat boogers (which, believe it or not, I do not eat!) when the food I make apparently isn't good enough! Am I to assume that my cooking tastes worse than boogers!?> OUCH! And she totally rejects the idea of not eating them! She thoroughly enjoys them. For example, upon watching Iris pick her nose and saying "Need a tissue?" She will respond with "No, I'm gonna eat this!" She will also volunteer her services to me! "Mom", "Yes, Iris?" "You want me to eat your boogers?" "No thanks, I'm good, but I appreciate the offer", "Mom", "Yes?" "I'm gonna eat your boogers" "No please don't!" "YES!"
In conclusion I have no answers to this one. Do I disguise her food to look like boogers? Shove her food up her nose first and then we're both happy?! Tell her that the foods will make her boogers taste better?! I am going to try all of these methods and report back! I am hoping something works because this predominantly booger diet can't possibly be healthy!
1) Eating in front of her/with her. I will make her plate look like mine and then sit down and eat with her and talk about how delicious the food is (which is typically a lie, I am not exactly "skilled in a kitchen", but what does she know, sure she is an evil genius but i haven't taken her tons of classy restaurants to dine in. That's what Uncle Joe and Gina are for (and judging by Joe's discomfort at the past three dining out experiences I am thinking we have quite a bit of time before Iris has any classy dining experiences). Anyhow, I like thinking that maybe the peer pressure (assuming people 28 years older than her are considered peers) will convince her to eat what I am eating and enjoy it...or even eat as much as me! WRONG!
2) I turn regular food into PRINCESS FOOD! I will put sprinkles on ANYTHING to make her eat it. This has about a 50% success rating. This works especially well on breakfast foods (waffles, pancakes, toast, etc) but I have also tried it on fruits or a peanut butter sandwich. By putting sprinkles on foods you instantly turn a food from regular commoner food into evil genius princess food! MAGIC!
3) I feed her foods that she has enjoyed in the past or that EVERY kid on the planet enjoys. Peanut butter and jelly, ravioli, chicken nuggets, french fries...the list goes on. She will typically try or eat something once but then its pretty much a gamble on if she will ever eat it again, though with my luck, she probably won't.
4) I let her try to make her own food. I fell like if she helps maybe she will want to eat the food she puts so much hard work into. This works for me! I actually tend to eat it before it is even done cooking! I LOVE what I make! Iris hasn't really impressed herself with her cooking skills up to this point.
5) I tell her that if she eats *insert name of food you would like eaten*, it will make her poop stink. While this sounds disgusting it has worked! I found out about this at the pediatrician's office. The doctor prescribed Augmentin for her and said "That has worked for her in the past, right?" to which I responded "Yes, but it makes her poop stink so badly." She couldn't wait to get home and take her medicine....a new method getting her to eat is born!
OK so all of these presumably genius ideas have failed and I am left with a kid who isn't eating. I have tried to threaten her with the "if you don't eat this you don't eat the rest of the night" but who really suffers after that...ME. She is then up at 2 in the morning asking if she can eat and telling me that she "had a pretty good nap" but is ready to be up now. So what does she eat regularly....HER BOOGERS! WHAT?! Aside from the fact that it is pretty disgusting it makes me crazy! Why would she want to eat boogers (which, believe it or not, I do not eat!) when the food I make apparently isn't good enough! Am I to assume that my cooking tastes worse than boogers!?> OUCH! And she totally rejects the idea of not eating them! She thoroughly enjoys them. For example, upon watching Iris pick her nose and saying "Need a tissue?" She will respond with "No, I'm gonna eat this!" She will also volunteer her services to me! "Mom", "Yes, Iris?" "You want me to eat your boogers?" "No thanks, I'm good, but I appreciate the offer", "Mom", "Yes?" "I'm gonna eat your boogers" "No please don't!" "YES!"
In conclusion I have no answers to this one. Do I disguise her food to look like boogers? Shove her food up her nose first and then we're both happy?! Tell her that the foods will make her boogers taste better?! I am going to try all of these methods and report back! I am hoping something works because this predominantly booger diet can't possibly be healthy!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
I genetically engineered an EVIL GENIUS!!!
So I have started ANOTHER blog! Here's why...I will continue the scrapbooking one but I always feel that I have more stories about Iris and I can't always work them into the other blog. Now that I am nearly on summer break I plan on updating both more regularly. I got a little caught up with being busy at work and let the other blog slide....anyway. I named this one "So Yesterday Iris...." because at work and when talking to others I often start my stories/conversations with that exact line. Here are the rules of this blog for you, the reader:
1) Don't copy my parenting style unless you already have an evil genius (my style may be too harsh and unsuitable for a sensitive child)
2) Don't judge me aloud...sure I may think that your parenting style is crap sometimes too but I keep it in my head! Don't hate on me! We can all get along and make different choices!
3) Don't call Child Protective Services on me (that's a joke, but no, really...don't!)
Back to the topic at hand....I genetically engineered an evil genius! First I have lessons that I have learned from this experience so I do recommend you talking to me before attempting to engineer your own evil genius! "How do you do this?" you may ask....well here is how I did it...
1) Find a donor based on really insignificant reasons (if you're married or in a relationship and not using a donor, it's ok for you to skip this step). You may try to think of really great reasons, feel free, but you may not have evil genius results, just an FYI.
2) Plant evil genius seed
3) Have healthy pregnancy! This is the easy part, the migraines and sickness are actually quite tolerable at this point...because in just a few short months that dark quiet room you are nursing a migraine in will be the laboratory of your new E.G.!
4) Give birth to E.G.!
5) Let E.G. be his or her own person! Don't ever let E.G. know that ideas may not be possible or even really bad ideas. You may also want to use this time to practice keeping a straight face and disguising your horror when E.G. starts talking!
6) Start developing your common responses.I like to stick with good words like That is AMAZING! You are FANTASTIC! PHENOMENAL! Are you KIDDING ME?! and something easy like "WHAT?!" but change your intonation (Typical parents use these phrases too, I just like to change up words to be the ones I want E.G. to start using!)
7) Give E.G. a code name! You can imagine the conversation you might have with someone you are hoping will babysit for you:
Me: Hello *insert potential babysitter name*, would you like to babysit for my evil genius
Former Potential Babysitter: *Dial Tone*
I use names for my child like "Sweet Iris", "Gorgeous Girl", or "Baby" (although in this case Baby IS, in fact, put in a corner sometimes!)
8) Tend to Evil Genius, provide food, shelter, and comfort to Evil Genius....this is ESSENTIAL! Even Evil Geniuses (is that the plural!?) like to be appreciated and snuggled/cuddled! They appear tough and sassy on the outside but secretly are huggers!
9a) Live it up! You are the parent of an evil genius!
9b) Get a college fund started! Evil Geniuses (again...should I be using a different plural form!? I'll be damned if I look it up!) are world changers! Get ready!
9c) Fold your hands every night and thank God for your evil genius! Don't worry, he's cool with you using the word "evil" prior to genius....its all in good fun! He is not confused and thinking your child is a member of the dark army....give him a little credit! He's been there since the beginning! He knows!
I will be updating the stories of my own little evil genius regularly for those of you who want to identify if you have your own evil genius! Good luck!
You're welcome!
1) Don't copy my parenting style unless you already have an evil genius (my style may be too harsh and unsuitable for a sensitive child)
2) Don't judge me aloud...sure I may think that your parenting style is crap sometimes too but I keep it in my head! Don't hate on me! We can all get along and make different choices!
3) Don't call Child Protective Services on me (that's a joke, but no, really...don't!)
Back to the topic at hand....I genetically engineered an evil genius! First I have lessons that I have learned from this experience so I do recommend you talking to me before attempting to engineer your own evil genius! "How do you do this?" you may ask....well here is how I did it...
1) Find a donor based on really insignificant reasons (if you're married or in a relationship and not using a donor, it's ok for you to skip this step). You may try to think of really great reasons, feel free, but you may not have evil genius results, just an FYI.
2) Plant evil genius seed
3) Have healthy pregnancy! This is the easy part, the migraines and sickness are actually quite tolerable at this point...because in just a few short months that dark quiet room you are nursing a migraine in will be the laboratory of your new E.G.!
4) Give birth to E.G.!
5) Let E.G. be his or her own person! Don't ever let E.G. know that ideas may not be possible or even really bad ideas. You may also want to use this time to practice keeping a straight face and disguising your horror when E.G. starts talking!
6) Start developing your common responses.I like to stick with good words like That is AMAZING! You are FANTASTIC! PHENOMENAL! Are you KIDDING ME?! and something easy like "WHAT?!" but change your intonation (Typical parents use these phrases too, I just like to change up words to be the ones I want E.G. to start using!)
7) Give E.G. a code name! You can imagine the conversation you might have with someone you are hoping will babysit for you:
Me: Hello *insert potential babysitter name*, would you like to babysit for my evil genius
Former Potential Babysitter: *Dial Tone*
I use names for my child like "Sweet Iris", "Gorgeous Girl", or "Baby" (although in this case Baby IS, in fact, put in a corner sometimes!)
8) Tend to Evil Genius, provide food, shelter, and comfort to Evil Genius....this is ESSENTIAL! Even Evil Geniuses (is that the plural!?) like to be appreciated and snuggled/cuddled! They appear tough and sassy on the outside but secretly are huggers!
9a) Live it up! You are the parent of an evil genius!
9b) Get a college fund started! Evil Geniuses (again...should I be using a different plural form!? I'll be damned if I look it up!) are world changers! Get ready!
9c) Fold your hands every night and thank God for your evil genius! Don't worry, he's cool with you using the word "evil" prior to genius....its all in good fun! He is not confused and thinking your child is a member of the dark army....give him a little credit! He's been there since the beginning! He knows!
I will be updating the stories of my own little evil genius regularly for those of you who want to identify if you have your own evil genius! Good luck!
You're welcome!
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