Spring (potty) training!

So now that the weather is nice again I have a whole new area of concern for E.G.and her questionable behavior.  Throughout the winter it was easier to keep her sequestered inside the house so that she would keep all of the "eccentricities" of her personality (which I typically find amusing and endearing) private.  However, now that the sun is shining and the temperature is on the rise and I am home more often, E.G. has been showing off her evil Mensa potential!  I have been leaving the back door open a lot so that E.G. can come and go as she pleases into the fenced in backyard.  This has lead to a few issues which will now be addressed.
1. She has figured out how to open the back gate.  Most parents would feel this is a safety concern for their child....I clearly understand the safety issue with E.G. escaping the "safe" confines of our backyard (who am I kidding, last year I had to call poison control when she was playing outside in the backyard.....twice) but I have also let the dogs in the front door  after I was calmly told that the dogs "ran away" after the back gate was mysteriously opened.  Hmmmmm....curious!  Wonder how that happened.  My mom has since made the gate so that apparently E.G. and I are both locked in the backyard now.  I recently found this out when I was putting away some items before a storm and realized that I had locked myself out of the back door of the house (Iris probably had her mommy voo-doo doll in her hands laughing it up at me inside the nice dry house) and had to scrape my hands between two splintered pieces of wood for a few minutes before God and the fence finally had a little mercy on me and unlatched the gate.  Gate issue: SOLVED!
2. Someone (though I won't mention any names) has introduced Iris to the beauty of the outdoors being one big restroom....who am I kidding, I am totally going to call someone out on this.  I was inside the house while Iris was playing safely outside when she comes in and asks me if I can help her pee outside by the tree....like Meemaw does.  Well I'll be damned if I let Meemaw be "the cool one" so I oblige.  This  has since led to the main issue of this blog post.  Potty issue: NOT SOLVED
So I thought this was perhaps a one time deal for the peeing by the tree issue....WRONG!  I have since had to talk to her about why we shouldn't pee outside.  This is a hard argument to make when she responds with "but the dogs do it".  Nothing like the pot calling the kettle black by me asking Iris to be "normal" and "human".  I thought this little heart-to-heart we had had solved all of our problems until one day when I was inside at the computer when E.G.came into me frantic and said "Sloopy is eating my poop!"  I heroically jump up to save the day when the statement clicks in my brain and I say "Um, Did you poop outside!?" YES!  She in fact did!  And to make it worse she had covered up her "doings" up with a leaf!  Perfect!  Apparently I can check the "Bury your own" conversation off of my parenting list!  Hurray!
 At this point I did 4 things.
1) Washed my hands of the whole outdoor bathroom concern.  I told my mom that it was her beast....if she started it she can try to talk to E.G. about it!
2) Instruct her on the "proper" ways to go to the bathroom outside.  The ways involve stripping of all of her clothes in order to not "dribble" on anything and to prevent multiple wardrobe changes throughout the day.
3)  Patted myself on the back!  I effectively prepared E.G. for the walk home from college parties!  Yea!  Other girls will be waiting in a long line for a bathroom that is most-likely crawling with germs and filth far beyond anything she'll find on the walk home or outside!  YES!  Now we can begin our more important college lessons like mastering flip-cup and beer-pong!
4) Sent in my mother of the year application!  SCORE!