Alright! I'm on a roll with the Iris stories now! I think that my previous hiatus may have been related to the fact that I was concerned that the authorities really might be called on me based upon my parenting skills. Now....I'm kind of hoping for that! Iris can be raised by some of the few responsible people in the family (compared to me, who could be considered LESS responsible) and I think a few days in the clink might be just what the doctor ordered for me! I'm not sure what I would be allowed to take to jail with me (I'm thinking that I would look to just going to the county jail, I don't want to do any hard time in prison) but I bet I could get a pretty good amount of work done with that kind of down time....not to mention some time set aside to work out each day, no big decisions about what to wear....I better stop before my "joking" starts convincing me that I might be on to something! Anyway, I started thinking about when people say things like "Don't ask a question if you might not want to hear the answer!" or "The truth hurts!" and it made me think about how awkward I am at lying and how much I sometimes wish Iris WOULD lie....or at least hold back some of the truth. I am also bringing up some other amazing aspects of parenting that I never saw coming!
So.....Iris is bad for my self-esteem. Why? Well let's hit the obvious points first and I'll try to be as descriptive as possible. Not for any real benefit of the reader, but hell, you're a captive audience at this point so I might as well traumatize you!
WAYS PARENTING HAS RUINED ME:
1) I'm not sure how to clearly give you a good description of what I look like naked (stick with me here, it will get better....just kidding, it's not getting any better!) but if you have ever tried to tear electrical tape and really all you did was stretch it out and then give up but the tape never actually went back to it's original form and just stayed all wrinkly useless looking (you're never going to use that tape again!)....that's pretty much how my stomach looks now. I have heard of people who have rubbed themselves down with cocoa butter multiple times a day and have come through pregnancy glowing....NOT THIS GIRL!! I did try to use cocoa butter but I had a lot of area to cover and only so much time in the day so I really only used it a couple times a day....every day....for 9 months....and it benefited me...not at all. Now, I have experimented with trying to get said "stretch marks" addressed by doing the following things 1) Gaining weight 2) Losing weight. I thought maybe gaining weight would filled the areas in a little better. Nope! Definitely not! Losing weight- no difference! Well it seems as though I won't be wearing a bikini ever again....or ever at all.
2) If you have ever seen me in the summer, you may recall me not wearing shorts very often. It used to be because my legs were so white. Seriously, I have THE WHITEST LEGS EVER! If people who were goth could be jealous (They can't be right? I am not exactly schooled in the "neo-Gothic" lifestyle....or even then historically Gothic lifestyle. I pretty much have a vague picture of American Gothic in my mind and that's about as far as I can go I guess) but I'm pretty sure they would be jealous of me for a couple reasons. I am a soulless ginger and I am unintentionally the whitest person I have ever met who does not have some type of recognized genetic mutation (aside from being a soulless ginger). Thankfully, Iris has taken it upon herself to aid me in remedying this situation by providing me with a multitude of bruises, scratches, and other marks all over my arms and legs to give me a little "color". I always love it when people say things such as "GASP! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT BRUISE?!" Honestly, 9 times out of 10 I have NO IDEA where it came from. I try to think up something incredibly parental and awesome...."Well, Iris and I were playing together outside and a meteor shower kicked up out of NOWHERE! I used myself as a human shield to protect her from debris. We made it through it ok and afterwards we discussed what meteors were, the dangers and such....it was a teachable moment for sure!" because that is a greater story than the reality such as "Well, against my better judgment and because I was tired of the fight, I let Iris give pushing the grocery cart a try..." or "Well I was trying to carry the laundry basket and Iris tried to cut in front of me and I fell down the stairs...." or " I was getting something out of the oven and Iris bumped the oven door, which then started to close on my arm..." or my most often used response, "Um, what bruise? Oh, that one. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't realize it was there."
3) If you have kids you can kind of remember back to when you thought you were tired in the past. Like in college or high school and you would be up all night studying, partying, playing video games, etc. In college you would wake up, pull yourself together the best you could, and then be on your way to class for your 1-2 hours....then back to bed. The negative effects of this were you looked like hell, you might fall asleep in class, and you pretty much were useless because you were so caught up in thinking about the next time you can climb back into your cozy bed and snuggle in. NOW, with 1 child....this is EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE! I look like hell EVERY DAY! And I have totally become ok with looking bad to just sleep in a little bit longer. Makeup? NOPE! Not going to happen! I have come to the conclusion that it is a waste of time and money and false advertising! I don't look so great with make-up on that it makes it worth my time to put it on. Also, let's say I go out on a date and get all gussied up. I might as well just say at the beginning "This is a trick! You will never again see me looking this good! Actually, if this relationship continues, you will see me much, much, much worse...and to be quite honest with you I can probably belch louder than you, so drink it in now, bud, because it's not getting any better than this!" And going to bed isn't even that great anymore! I used go to bed with the idea that I would be safe and cozy and could relax a bit. Now I am in a constant state of fear that I will wake up because of random thrashing and screams from my child, or even worse, covered in her urine! THEN to make matters worse, when she DOES sleep in her own bed, I am constantly listening for any movement to make sure she is staying in her bed and is safe. Sleep is now exhausting!
4) Hey, remember when you didn't always have someone telling you all about your faults? That was boring, huh?! I used to think "Man, if only there was someone around, kind of like that voice in the back of my head, but instead of being my conscience, it could just take any of my self-esteem and annihilate it....if only!" Enter Iris! Things that I have heard lately..."Mom, whoa! Your hair looks crazy. It's scaring me!", "Mom, you're not beautiful. You are cute and you can be pretty sometimes, but you're never beautiful.", "Mom, are you drinking coffee? Your breath makes me want to throw up!", "Mom, can you drive slower?", "Mom, can you drive faster?", "Mom, your driving is making me carsick!"
5) Now that I am a parent I have so much privacy! I walk a fine line between wanting to take an uninterrupted shower and wanting to be interrupted periodically just so I know that Iris is not caught up in some terrible evil genius plot to overthrow me while I am vulnerable and unsuspecting. Iris will often walk in the bathroom while I'm showering, look in the shower and then say "Ewww! You're naked!" Yep! Sure am! I actually take 100% of my showers naked! It's weird! In addition to keeping the water where it belongs, the shower curtain has the added benefit of preventing others from seeing me whilst I am cleansing. Thanks for breaking through my vinyl fortress of solitude and stating how disgusted you are with this! Another option would be to tell others of how distraught you are by all of this. For instance, after recently getting out of the shower I was completely wrapped up in a towel and had my hair wrapped in a t-shirt (it's less abrasive than towels, read The Curly Girl Handbook) and Iris comes in and starts talking to me about something life-changing I am sure....then the dog starts to walk into the bathroom and Iris blocks the dog from coming in and says to her"Whoa, whoa, whoa, believe me, you're not gonna wanna see this!" Oh, really? The dog was probably making her way into the bathroom to drink out of the toilet, but yeah, you're probably right! My covered body post-shower would probably be more than something who eats out of the trash and drinks toilet water could handle! Thanks Iris! That's right on target with how I had been feeling lately!
Final thought: Even when Iris says something that is maybe bad for my self-esteem, she still gives me material to use on other people! "Oh, how does that outfit look on you? Well it looks, cute, maybe pretty with a little effort, but I'm pretty sure you're not doing that outfit any justice by wearing it!" Thanks Iris!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Remember that time you stopped talking? NOPE!
I haven't posted in awhile about Iris but fear not, her antics continue. I have just been a slacker (Call Ripley's! No one will believe that!). Anyhow, I figured I would share the story of how Iris NEVER STOPS TALKING! I originally thought it was just me she did this for. Last year her preschool teachers didn't have anything to say about her classroom behavior and she was always a star student. This year.....uhhhh, not so much! If I had a dollar for every time I read "Iris had trouble being quiet at nap time today." I would have....I don't know, maybe $50. I mean, really, she only goes to preschool 2 days a week, add in holidays and such, you see how I did the math, right? It's not a ton of money but it would be more than I had at the beginning of the school year and it would make me feel better about passing down those little genetic gems! Who is going to pay me for parental failure though? Back to the topic....I figure I could give everyone a taste of what goes on in the mind of an evil genius. While I clearly do not know all of her evil genius thoughts [Prayer- Dear God, Thank you for making me a mere mortal who can not read each thought and feeling of my child. I know that this has kept me from crying, screaming, punishing, and going into fetal position on many occasions. I apologize that you, however, do have the ability to do this and would appreciate your undeserved leniency at the time of judgment. I tried, really I did! Amen] her inability to stop talking (even in her sleep) allows me to get a fairly clear picture at times. And so our story begins.....
Last night I had the pleasure of going out to dinner with my future sister-in-law.....and Iris. Girls' Night Out! What could go wrong!? Oh that's right, I could go to a nice restaurant with a child who is constantly starring in a one person show and thinks the world is there to see it. "The World", however, just sees a re-enactment of a bizarre combination of Mommy Dearest, The Exorcist, and Curly Top. This plan has already started out on the wrong foot hours before we even knew it when I allowed my evil genius/schizophrenic-fashoinista to pick out her clothes for the day. While I know the teachers at her school and let's be honest, they lost respect for me a while back....people outside of school don't have any idea. So we walk into A WINERY/RESTAURANT (sigh....my family always holds out hope that we won't be a disaster in public, they never learn) with Iris in a bright pink shirt with a skirt that is gray and has multi-colored hearts on it (so far so good), fluorescent pasty white legs (genetically there is nothing to be done about this), black and purple socks (nope, not matching at all), bright pink sparkly shoes (of course), and two sparkling flower clips in her hair (1 in pink and 1 in green, neither matching any other part of her outfit). This might seem like an acceptable outfit to some people but you have to keep in mind the....style/texture (?) of our hair. My child's hair sort of looks like what would happen if a child were to have a horribly tragic accident in which said child fell from a sap covered tree, through a spider-web, into a cotton-candy spinning machine, into a bag of lint. Get the picture? We are looking sweet! In Iris's defense, I'm not looking awesome! Iris had to use the restroom and I had one of those moments where I walked into the bathroom with her, passed the mirror, then stopped and walked back because even I was shocked at how large my hair was! As I was trying to fix it and expressing my frustration to another patron of the restaurant, she laughs and says "I know what you mean! My son has hair JUST LIKE YOU!" This leads me to believe that I had just met Troy Polamalu's mother. I didn't ask, but that is exactly who I pictured in my mind when she said that. Unlike Iris and myself though, this lady's son got the genetic short end of the straw because her hair looked fantastic!
Back out to the restaurant-
If you ever find yourself in the position where you are the ragamuffin of the family, perhaps request that your more high class friends and family members dress down when going out with you as to not draw attention to the huge difference in style? pulled togetherness? tact? We forgot this important detail and therefore were completely shown up by Gina who walks in coordinating, looking pulled together, as if she may actually have her vehicle outfitted with its own iron and ironing board for those days when you just can't be perfect enough! In addition to looking amazing, she actually brings us A GIFT! Ummmm, you might want to keep that as a consolation prize for yourself because you are going out to dinner with Iris and me, and believe me....$%*@ is about to get real!!!
And here is where the talking begins-
While I can't exactly quote everything she said, I'll try to hit the main points....
Iris: Beep, bop, boop, bop I AM A ROBOT! I AM A ROBOT! BEEP BOOP BOP BO!!! (Notice the caps lock for increased loudness, also envision straight arms moving robotically in front of her).
Me: *holding up three fingers*
Iris: SORRY MOM! I'LL CHANGE MY BATTERIES TO BE GOOD! *proceeds to hit self on head and "change batteries"*
Me: *holding up two fingers*
Iris: SORRY SORRY SORRY! Don't count to one! I DON'T WANT TO GET A SWAT OR A SPANKING! A SPANKING IS HARDER THAN A SWAT! A swat doesn't even hurt!
Me: ***CRAZY EYES***
Iris: *tries food* EWW! Yuck! I don't like this! It hurts my mouth! I need a drink! I need water! *cough, cough, gag, cough, gasp* Can I have your water mom!? I need a drink!
Me: *hand over water, take plate of food from Iris (Oh yeah! she would totally try it again to clear up how much she DOESN'T like it for me if I don't remove it entirely from her presence)*
Iris: *reaches around trying to find a straw, no luck, takes straw from milk bends it about 1,400 different ways, tosses it in my glass of water, reaches in pulls it back out, straightens it out, takes a sip*
Gina: Mmmmm, is that good?!
Iris: I was SO thirsty! I didn't like that! I need this water!
As an aside: I hate it when restaurants have beverages for kids that are not free refills! Here's why, 1) she is going to spill it 2) she is going to need a refill 3) this is all going to cost me!
Iris- clearly sated with the water and ready to punch the tickets for Gina and I to go on a ride through what appears to be the brain of a 4-year old reincarnated from someone with multiple personalities....on a bad acid trip. Fasten your seatbelts, this may get bumpy!
Iris: Remember that time when we were playing with Sloopy and Lizzi, and we went down the slide, but Lizzi was scared, and so I had Sloopy sit on my lap and go down and it was so fun and then Lizzi sat on my lap and I held her and she had fun and we said "YAY!" and then we went down the slide by ourselves and we had so much fun and then the dogs wanted to play and I got them a stuffed animal to play with and I got Sloopy a purple one and Lizzi a pink one and I got Sloopy the purple one because purple is Sloopy's favorite color and Lizzi got the pink one because Lizzi's loves pink....
Gina: Did they tell you that?
Iris: .....And then they were chewing them and they loved them....Yes, they tell me that all the time! Hey your purse strap looks like a leash! And then I would throw the toy and they would go get it!....
Gina: Wow! This sounds like quite an adventure!
Iris: Hey Mom! Remember that time that we were babies together! And I was holding you and you were so cute!
Me: Oh, yeah! That was a good time!
*Iris has entire stories made up of us being the same age! From what I gather we were both young together, I just grew up faster and she remained a baby for me to take care of. I am thinking that this relates to the idea that she cannot comprehend not existing (who can, really?!) and therefore has built this logical explanation for herself in her head.
Iris: Remember when I held you and you were a baby and you were sucking your thumb and you were so cute and I was like "awww! You're my cute baby!" Do you remember that mom!?
Me: Yeah! You were so nice to me!
Iris: Yeah! I used to hold you all the time!
Me: Yeah, you pretty much spoiled me!
Iris: Gina, what did Matta do when she couldn't go up and down steps?
Gina: Um, what?
Iris: Matta is just a puppy. Can she go up steps?
Gina: Well, yeah, she's 1 year old so she's a puppy but she's a big puppy and she can go up and down steps.
Iris: What about when she was little?
Gina: I'm not sure, I guess she learned quickly. She has always been able to go up and down steps when we've had her.
Iris: Remember when Tressel and Matta were puppies and they would run up and down the steps together and Matta would run by Tressel!? They are so cute!
Gina: Yeah! They are cute! I better get home soon! It might storm and Tressel will be afraid!
Iris: What does Tressel do during storms? Does she bark?
Gina: Well she gets scared and she shakes and cries and hides and wants to have someone around.
Iris: What does Matta do?
Gina: Matta isn't scared of storms.
Iris: So what does she do during storms?
Gina: Nothing?
Good call Gina! Next time just ask her what the right answer is! I often do this! If I had a dollar for every time I said to Iris "What is the right answer?" or "What do you want me to say to make you happy?" or "What can I say to get this conversation over with?" I would have WAY MORE than $50! I would probably actually have a pretty good investment going for that! SUCK IT STRS! I have a better financial plan in store with my "Make-this-conversation-end BANK"!
Iris (asleep): So then I just kicked Sloopy!
Me: Why would you kick Sloopy?! That's not nice!
Iris: *snores*
Ok, the above scene is TOTALLY a trait she inherited from my mom! My mom is the queen of making random comments when she is asleep! I'm not exactly sure what my mom and Iris dream about but here is what I have gathered 1) Actual time is not a factor 2) there is always somebody getting hurt 3) Death means nothing, anyone can be in a dream or story told during a nap!
Final thought: There is no final thought on this one! Because, as with Iris, the thoughts and comments never end! If you have any ideas/recommendations/answers for how to deal with this or address it, I would love to hear them. Sadly you may have to call and schedule a time because I am typically listening to Iris ranting and making up stories! I could actually probably go on with stories Iris has made up for a while but my need to go to my paying job prevents me from doing so! It's weird how my job working with 70 kids between the ages of 3 and 17 is a break from 1 child who is 4 years old! How did that happen?! Fear the Evil Genius!
Last night I had the pleasure of going out to dinner with my future sister-in-law.....and Iris. Girls' Night Out! What could go wrong!? Oh that's right, I could go to a nice restaurant with a child who is constantly starring in a one person show and thinks the world is there to see it. "The World", however, just sees a re-enactment of a bizarre combination of Mommy Dearest, The Exorcist, and Curly Top. This plan has already started out on the wrong foot hours before we even knew it when I allowed my evil genius/schizophrenic-fashoinista to pick out her clothes for the day. While I know the teachers at her school and let's be honest, they lost respect for me a while back....people outside of school don't have any idea. So we walk into A WINERY/RESTAURANT (sigh....my family always holds out hope that we won't be a disaster in public, they never learn) with Iris in a bright pink shirt with a skirt that is gray and has multi-colored hearts on it (so far so good), fluorescent pasty white legs (genetically there is nothing to be done about this), black and purple socks (nope, not matching at all), bright pink sparkly shoes (of course), and two sparkling flower clips in her hair (1 in pink and 1 in green, neither matching any other part of her outfit). This might seem like an acceptable outfit to some people but you have to keep in mind the....style/texture (?) of our hair. My child's hair sort of looks like what would happen if a child were to have a horribly tragic accident in which said child fell from a sap covered tree, through a spider-web, into a cotton-candy spinning machine, into a bag of lint. Get the picture? We are looking sweet! In Iris's defense, I'm not looking awesome! Iris had to use the restroom and I had one of those moments where I walked into the bathroom with her, passed the mirror, then stopped and walked back because even I was shocked at how large my hair was! As I was trying to fix it and expressing my frustration to another patron of the restaurant, she laughs and says "I know what you mean! My son has hair JUST LIKE YOU!" This leads me to believe that I had just met Troy Polamalu's mother. I didn't ask, but that is exactly who I pictured in my mind when she said that. Unlike Iris and myself though, this lady's son got the genetic short end of the straw because her hair looked fantastic!
Back out to the restaurant-
If you ever find yourself in the position where you are the ragamuffin of the family, perhaps request that your more high class friends and family members dress down when going out with you as to not draw attention to the huge difference in style? pulled togetherness? tact? We forgot this important detail and therefore were completely shown up by Gina who walks in coordinating, looking pulled together, as if she may actually have her vehicle outfitted with its own iron and ironing board for those days when you just can't be perfect enough! In addition to looking amazing, she actually brings us A GIFT! Ummmm, you might want to keep that as a consolation prize for yourself because you are going out to dinner with Iris and me, and believe me....$%*@ is about to get real!!!
And here is where the talking begins-
While I can't exactly quote everything she said, I'll try to hit the main points....
Iris: Beep, bop, boop, bop I AM A ROBOT! I AM A ROBOT! BEEP BOOP BOP BO!!! (Notice the caps lock for increased loudness, also envision straight arms moving robotically in front of her).
Me: *holding up three fingers*
Iris: SORRY MOM! I'LL CHANGE MY BATTERIES TO BE GOOD! *proceeds to hit self on head and "change batteries"*
Me: *holding up two fingers*
Iris: SORRY SORRY SORRY! Don't count to one! I DON'T WANT TO GET A SWAT OR A SPANKING! A SPANKING IS HARDER THAN A SWAT! A swat doesn't even hurt!
Me: ***CRAZY EYES***
Iris: *tries food* EWW! Yuck! I don't like this! It hurts my mouth! I need a drink! I need water! *cough, cough, gag, cough, gasp* Can I have your water mom!? I need a drink!
Me: *hand over water, take plate of food from Iris (Oh yeah! she would totally try it again to clear up how much she DOESN'T like it for me if I don't remove it entirely from her presence)*
Iris: *reaches around trying to find a straw, no luck, takes straw from milk bends it about 1,400 different ways, tosses it in my glass of water, reaches in pulls it back out, straightens it out, takes a sip*
Gina: Mmmmm, is that good?!
Iris: I was SO thirsty! I didn't like that! I need this water!
As an aside: I hate it when restaurants have beverages for kids that are not free refills! Here's why, 1) she is going to spill it 2) she is going to need a refill 3) this is all going to cost me!
Iris- clearly sated with the water and ready to punch the tickets for Gina and I to go on a ride through what appears to be the brain of a 4-year old reincarnated from someone with multiple personalities....on a bad acid trip. Fasten your seatbelts, this may get bumpy!
Iris: Remember that time when we were playing with Sloopy and Lizzi, and we went down the slide, but Lizzi was scared, and so I had Sloopy sit on my lap and go down and it was so fun and then Lizzi sat on my lap and I held her and she had fun and we said "YAY!" and then we went down the slide by ourselves and we had so much fun and then the dogs wanted to play and I got them a stuffed animal to play with and I got Sloopy a purple one and Lizzi a pink one and I got Sloopy the purple one because purple is Sloopy's favorite color and Lizzi got the pink one because Lizzi's loves pink....
Gina: Did they tell you that?
Iris: .....And then they were chewing them and they loved them....Yes, they tell me that all the time! Hey your purse strap looks like a leash! And then I would throw the toy and they would go get it!....
Gina: Wow! This sounds like quite an adventure!
Iris: Hey Mom! Remember that time that we were babies together! And I was holding you and you were so cute!
Me: Oh, yeah! That was a good time!
*Iris has entire stories made up of us being the same age! From what I gather we were both young together, I just grew up faster and she remained a baby for me to take care of. I am thinking that this relates to the idea that she cannot comprehend not existing (who can, really?!) and therefore has built this logical explanation for herself in her head.
Iris: Remember when I held you and you were a baby and you were sucking your thumb and you were so cute and I was like "awww! You're my cute baby!" Do you remember that mom!?
Me: Yeah! You were so nice to me!
Iris: Yeah! I used to hold you all the time!
Me: Yeah, you pretty much spoiled me!
Iris: Gina, what did Matta do when she couldn't go up and down steps?
Gina: Um, what?
Iris: Matta is just a puppy. Can she go up steps?
Gina: Well, yeah, she's 1 year old so she's a puppy but she's a big puppy and she can go up and down steps.
Iris: What about when she was little?
Gina: I'm not sure, I guess she learned quickly. She has always been able to go up and down steps when we've had her.
Iris: Remember when Tressel and Matta were puppies and they would run up and down the steps together and Matta would run by Tressel!? They are so cute!
Gina: Yeah! They are cute! I better get home soon! It might storm and Tressel will be afraid!
Iris: What does Tressel do during storms? Does she bark?
Gina: Well she gets scared and she shakes and cries and hides and wants to have someone around.
Iris: What does Matta do?
Gina: Matta isn't scared of storms.
Iris: So what does she do during storms?
Gina: Nothing?
Good call Gina! Next time just ask her what the right answer is! I often do this! If I had a dollar for every time I said to Iris "What is the right answer?" or "What do you want me to say to make you happy?" or "What can I say to get this conversation over with?" I would have WAY MORE than $50! I would probably actually have a pretty good investment going for that! SUCK IT STRS! I have a better financial plan in store with my "Make-this-conversation-end BANK"!
Iris (asleep): So then I just kicked Sloopy!
Me: Why would you kick Sloopy?! That's not nice!
Iris: *snores*
Ok, the above scene is TOTALLY a trait she inherited from my mom! My mom is the queen of making random comments when she is asleep! I'm not exactly sure what my mom and Iris dream about but here is what I have gathered 1) Actual time is not a factor 2) there is always somebody getting hurt 3) Death means nothing, anyone can be in a dream or story told during a nap!
Final thought: There is no final thought on this one! Because, as with Iris, the thoughts and comments never end! If you have any ideas/recommendations/answers for how to deal with this or address it, I would love to hear them. Sadly you may have to call and schedule a time because I am typically listening to Iris ranting and making up stories! I could actually probably go on with stories Iris has made up for a while but my need to go to my paying job prevents me from doing so! It's weird how my job working with 70 kids between the ages of 3 and 17 is a break from 1 child who is 4 years old! How did that happen?! Fear the Evil Genius!
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