Alright! I'm on a roll with the Iris stories now! I think that my previous hiatus may have been related to the fact that I was concerned that the authorities really might be called on me based upon my parenting skills. Now....I'm kind of hoping for that! Iris can be raised by some of the few responsible people in the family (compared to me, who could be considered LESS responsible) and I think a few days in the clink might be just what the doctor ordered for me! I'm not sure what I would be allowed to take to jail with me (I'm thinking that I would look to just going to the county jail, I don't want to do any hard time in prison) but I bet I could get a pretty good amount of work done with that kind of down time....not to mention some time set aside to work out each day, no big decisions about what to wear....I better stop before my "joking" starts convincing me that I might be on to something! Anyway, I started thinking about when people say things like "Don't ask a question if you might not want to hear the answer!" or "The truth hurts!" and it made me think about how awkward I am at lying and how much I sometimes wish Iris WOULD lie....or at least hold back some of the truth. I am also bringing up some other amazing aspects of parenting that I never saw coming!
So.....Iris is bad for my self-esteem. Why? Well let's hit the obvious points first and I'll try to be as descriptive as possible. Not for any real benefit of the reader, but hell, you're a captive audience at this point so I might as well traumatize you!
WAYS PARENTING HAS RUINED ME:
1) I'm not sure how to clearly give you a good description of what I look like naked (stick with me here, it will get better....just kidding, it's not getting any better!) but if you have ever tried to tear electrical tape and really all you did was stretch it out and then give up but the tape never actually went back to it's original form and just stayed all wrinkly useless looking (you're never going to use that tape again!)....that's pretty much how my stomach looks now. I have heard of people who have rubbed themselves down with cocoa butter multiple times a day and have come through pregnancy glowing....NOT THIS GIRL!! I did try to use cocoa butter but I had a lot of area to cover and only so much time in the day so I really only used it a couple times a day....every day....for 9 months....and it benefited me...not at all. Now, I have experimented with trying to get said "stretch marks" addressed by doing the following things 1) Gaining weight 2) Losing weight. I thought maybe gaining weight would filled the areas in a little better. Nope! Definitely not! Losing weight- no difference! Well it seems as though I won't be wearing a bikini ever again....or ever at all.
2) If you have ever seen me in the summer, you may recall me not wearing shorts very often. It used to be because my legs were so white. Seriously, I have THE WHITEST LEGS EVER! If people who were goth could be jealous (They can't be right? I am not exactly schooled in the "neo-Gothic" lifestyle....or even then historically Gothic lifestyle. I pretty much have a vague picture of American Gothic in my mind and that's about as far as I can go I guess) but I'm pretty sure they would be jealous of me for a couple reasons. I am a soulless ginger and I am unintentionally the whitest person I have ever met who does not have some type of recognized genetic mutation (aside from being a soulless ginger). Thankfully, Iris has taken it upon herself to aid me in remedying this situation by providing me with a multitude of bruises, scratches, and other marks all over my arms and legs to give me a little "color". I always love it when people say things such as "GASP! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT BRUISE?!" Honestly, 9 times out of 10 I have NO IDEA where it came from. I try to think up something incredibly parental and awesome...."Well, Iris and I were playing together outside and a meteor shower kicked up out of NOWHERE! I used myself as a human shield to protect her from debris. We made it through it ok and afterwards we discussed what meteors were, the dangers and such....it was a teachable moment for sure!" because that is a greater story than the reality such as "Well, against my better judgment and because I was tired of the fight, I let Iris give pushing the grocery cart a try..." or "Well I was trying to carry the laundry basket and Iris tried to cut in front of me and I fell down the stairs...." or " I was getting something out of the oven and Iris bumped the oven door, which then started to close on my arm..." or my most often used response, "Um, what bruise? Oh, that one. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't realize it was there."
3) If you have kids you can kind of remember back to when you thought you were tired in the past. Like in college or high school and you would be up all night studying, partying, playing video games, etc. In college you would wake up, pull yourself together the best you could, and then be on your way to class for your 1-2 hours....then back to bed. The negative effects of this were you looked like hell, you might fall asleep in class, and you pretty much were useless because you were so caught up in thinking about the next time you can climb back into your cozy bed and snuggle in. NOW, with 1 child....this is EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE! I look like hell EVERY DAY! And I have totally become ok with looking bad to just sleep in a little bit longer. Makeup? NOPE! Not going to happen! I have come to the conclusion that it is a waste of time and money and false advertising! I don't look so great with make-up on that it makes it worth my time to put it on. Also, let's say I go out on a date and get all gussied up. I might as well just say at the beginning "This is a trick! You will never again see me looking this good! Actually, if this relationship continues, you will see me much, much, much worse...and to be quite honest with you I can probably belch louder than you, so drink it in now, bud, because it's not getting any better than this!" And going to bed isn't even that great anymore! I used go to bed with the idea that I would be safe and cozy and could relax a bit. Now I am in a constant state of fear that I will wake up because of random thrashing and screams from my child, or even worse, covered in her urine! THEN to make matters worse, when she DOES sleep in her own bed, I am constantly listening for any movement to make sure she is staying in her bed and is safe. Sleep is now exhausting!
4) Hey, remember when you didn't always have someone telling you all about your faults? That was boring, huh?! I used to think "Man, if only there was someone around, kind of like that voice in the back of my head, but instead of being my conscience, it could just take any of my self-esteem and annihilate it....if only!" Enter Iris! Things that I have heard lately..."Mom, whoa! Your hair looks crazy. It's scaring me!", "Mom, you're not beautiful. You are cute and you can be pretty sometimes, but you're never beautiful.", "Mom, are you drinking coffee? Your breath makes me want to throw up!", "Mom, can you drive slower?", "Mom, can you drive faster?", "Mom, your driving is making me carsick!"
5) Now that I am a parent I have so much privacy! I walk a fine line between wanting to take an uninterrupted shower and wanting to be interrupted periodically just so I know that Iris is not caught up in some terrible evil genius plot to overthrow me while I am vulnerable and unsuspecting. Iris will often walk in the bathroom while I'm showering, look in the shower and then say "Ewww! You're naked!" Yep! Sure am! I actually take 100% of my showers naked! It's weird! In addition to keeping the water where it belongs, the shower curtain has the added benefit of preventing others from seeing me whilst I am cleansing. Thanks for breaking through my vinyl fortress of solitude and stating how disgusted you are with this! Another option would be to tell others of how distraught you are by all of this. For instance, after recently getting out of the shower I was completely wrapped up in a towel and had my hair wrapped in a t-shirt (it's less abrasive than towels, read The Curly Girl Handbook) and Iris comes in and starts talking to me about something life-changing I am sure....then the dog starts to walk into the bathroom and Iris blocks the dog from coming in and says to her"Whoa, whoa, whoa, believe me, you're not gonna wanna see this!" Oh, really? The dog was probably making her way into the bathroom to drink out of the toilet, but yeah, you're probably right! My covered body post-shower would probably be more than something who eats out of the trash and drinks toilet water could handle! Thanks Iris! That's right on target with how I had been feeling lately!
Final thought: Even when Iris says something that is maybe bad for my self-esteem, she still gives me material to use on other people! "Oh, how does that outfit look on you? Well it looks, cute, maybe pretty with a little effort, but I'm pretty sure you're not doing that outfit any justice by wearing it!" Thanks Iris!
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