I haven't posted in awhile about Iris but fear not, her antics continue. I have just been a slacker (Call Ripley's! No one will believe that!). Anyhow, I figured I would share the story of how Iris NEVER STOPS TALKING! I originally thought it was just me she did this for. Last year her preschool teachers didn't have anything to say about her classroom behavior and she was always a star student. This year.....uhhhh, not so much! If I had a dollar for every time I read "Iris had trouble being quiet at nap time today." I would have....I don't know, maybe $50. I mean, really, she only goes to preschool 2 days a week, add in holidays and such, you see how I did the math, right? It's not a ton of money but it would be more than I had at the beginning of the school year and it would make me feel better about passing down those little genetic gems! Who is going to pay me for parental failure though? Back to the topic....I figure I could give everyone a taste of what goes on in the mind of an evil genius. While I clearly do not know all of her evil genius thoughts [Prayer- Dear God, Thank you for making me a mere mortal who can not read each thought and feeling of my child. I know that this has kept me from crying, screaming, punishing, and going into fetal position on many occasions. I apologize that you, however, do have the ability to do this and would appreciate your undeserved leniency at the time of judgment. I tried, really I did! Amen] her inability to stop talking (even in her sleep) allows me to get a fairly clear picture at times. And so our story begins.....
Last night I had the pleasure of going out to dinner with my future sister-in-law.....and Iris. Girls' Night Out! What could go wrong!? Oh that's right, I could go to a nice restaurant with a child who is constantly starring in a one person show and thinks the world is there to see it. "The World", however, just sees a re-enactment of a bizarre combination of Mommy Dearest, The Exorcist, and Curly Top. This plan has already started out on the wrong foot hours before we even knew it when I allowed my evil genius/schizophrenic-fashoinista to pick out her clothes for the day. While I know the teachers at her school and let's be honest, they lost respect for me a while back....people outside of school don't have any idea. So we walk into A WINERY/RESTAURANT (sigh....my family always holds out hope that we won't be a disaster in public, they never learn) with Iris in a bright pink shirt with a skirt that is gray and has multi-colored hearts on it (so far so good), fluorescent pasty white legs (genetically there is nothing to be done about this), black and purple socks (nope, not matching at all), bright pink sparkly shoes (of course), and two sparkling flower clips in her hair (1 in pink and 1 in green, neither matching any other part of her outfit). This might seem like an acceptable outfit to some people but you have to keep in mind the....style/texture (?) of our hair. My child's hair sort of looks like what would happen if a child were to have a horribly tragic accident in which said child fell from a sap covered tree, through a spider-web, into a cotton-candy spinning machine, into a bag of lint. Get the picture? We are looking sweet! In Iris's defense, I'm not looking awesome! Iris had to use the restroom and I had one of those moments where I walked into the bathroom with her, passed the mirror, then stopped and walked back because even I was shocked at how large my hair was! As I was trying to fix it and expressing my frustration to another patron of the restaurant, she laughs and says "I know what you mean! My son has hair JUST LIKE YOU!" This leads me to believe that I had just met Troy Polamalu's mother. I didn't ask, but that is exactly who I pictured in my mind when she said that. Unlike Iris and myself though, this lady's son got the genetic short end of the straw because her hair looked fantastic!
Back out to the restaurant-
If you ever find yourself in the position where you are the ragamuffin of the family, perhaps request that your more high class friends and family members dress down when going out with you as to not draw attention to the huge difference in style? pulled togetherness? tact? We forgot this important detail and therefore were completely shown up by Gina who walks in coordinating, looking pulled together, as if she may actually have her vehicle outfitted with its own iron and ironing board for those days when you just can't be perfect enough! In addition to looking amazing, she actually brings us A GIFT! Ummmm, you might want to keep that as a consolation prize for yourself because you are going out to dinner with Iris and me, and believe me....$%*@ is about to get real!!!
And here is where the talking begins-
While I can't exactly quote everything she said, I'll try to hit the main points....
Iris: Beep, bop, boop, bop I AM A ROBOT! I AM A ROBOT! BEEP BOOP BOP BO!!! (Notice the caps lock for increased loudness, also envision straight arms moving robotically in front of her).
Me: *holding up three fingers*
Iris: SORRY MOM! I'LL CHANGE MY BATTERIES TO BE GOOD! *proceeds to hit self on head and "change batteries"*
Me: *holding up two fingers*
Iris: SORRY SORRY SORRY! Don't count to one! I DON'T WANT TO GET A SWAT OR A SPANKING! A SPANKING IS HARDER THAN A SWAT! A swat doesn't even hurt!
Me: ***CRAZY EYES***
Iris: *tries food* EWW! Yuck! I don't like this! It hurts my mouth! I need a drink! I need water! *cough, cough, gag, cough, gasp* Can I have your water mom!? I need a drink!
Me: *hand over water, take plate of food from Iris (Oh yeah! she would totally try it again to clear up how much she DOESN'T like it for me if I don't remove it entirely from her presence)*
Iris: *reaches around trying to find a straw, no luck, takes straw from milk bends it about 1,400 different ways, tosses it in my glass of water, reaches in pulls it back out, straightens it out, takes a sip*
Gina: Mmmmm, is that good?!
Iris: I was SO thirsty! I didn't like that! I need this water!
As an aside: I hate it when restaurants have beverages for kids that are not free refills! Here's why, 1) she is going to spill it 2) she is going to need a refill 3) this is all going to cost me!
Iris- clearly sated with the water and ready to punch the tickets for Gina and I to go on a ride through what appears to be the brain of a 4-year old reincarnated from someone with multiple personalities....on a bad acid trip. Fasten your seatbelts, this may get bumpy!
Iris: Remember that time when we were playing with Sloopy and Lizzi, and we went down the slide, but Lizzi was scared, and so I had Sloopy sit on my lap and go down and it was so fun and then Lizzi sat on my lap and I held her and she had fun and we said "YAY!" and then we went down the slide by ourselves and we had so much fun and then the dogs wanted to play and I got them a stuffed animal to play with and I got Sloopy a purple one and Lizzi a pink one and I got Sloopy the purple one because purple is Sloopy's favorite color and Lizzi got the pink one because Lizzi's loves pink....
Gina: Did they tell you that?
Iris: .....And then they were chewing them and they loved them....Yes, they tell me that all the time! Hey your purse strap looks like a leash! And then I would throw the toy and they would go get it!....
Gina: Wow! This sounds like quite an adventure!
Iris: Hey Mom! Remember that time that we were babies together! And I was holding you and you were so cute!
Me: Oh, yeah! That was a good time!
*Iris has entire stories made up of us being the same age! From what I gather we were both young together, I just grew up faster and she remained a baby for me to take care of. I am thinking that this relates to the idea that she cannot comprehend not existing (who can, really?!) and therefore has built this logical explanation for herself in her head.
Iris: Remember when I held you and you were a baby and you were sucking your thumb and you were so cute and I was like "awww! You're my cute baby!" Do you remember that mom!?
Me: Yeah! You were so nice to me!
Iris: Yeah! I used to hold you all the time!
Me: Yeah, you pretty much spoiled me!
Iris: Gina, what did Matta do when she couldn't go up and down steps?
Gina: Um, what?
Iris: Matta is just a puppy. Can she go up steps?
Gina: Well, yeah, she's 1 year old so she's a puppy but she's a big puppy and she can go up and down steps.
Iris: What about when she was little?
Gina: I'm not sure, I guess she learned quickly. She has always been able to go up and down steps when we've had her.
Iris: Remember when Tressel and Matta were puppies and they would run up and down the steps together and Matta would run by Tressel!? They are so cute!
Gina: Yeah! They are cute! I better get home soon! It might storm and Tressel will be afraid!
Iris: What does Tressel do during storms? Does she bark?
Gina: Well she gets scared and she shakes and cries and hides and wants to have someone around.
Iris: What does Matta do?
Gina: Matta isn't scared of storms.
Iris: So what does she do during storms?
Gina: Nothing?
Good call Gina! Next time just ask her what the right answer is! I often do this! If I had a dollar for every time I said to Iris "What is the right answer?" or "What do you want me to say to make you happy?" or "What can I say to get this conversation over with?" I would have WAY MORE than $50! I would probably actually have a pretty good investment going for that! SUCK IT STRS! I have a better financial plan in store with my "Make-this-conversation-end BANK"!
Iris (asleep): So then I just kicked Sloopy!
Me: Why would you kick Sloopy?! That's not nice!
Iris: *snores*
Ok, the above scene is TOTALLY a trait she inherited from my mom! My mom is the queen of making random comments when she is asleep! I'm not exactly sure what my mom and Iris dream about but here is what I have gathered 1) Actual time is not a factor 2) there is always somebody getting hurt 3) Death means nothing, anyone can be in a dream or story told during a nap!
Final thought: There is no final thought on this one! Because, as with Iris, the thoughts and comments never end! If you have any ideas/recommendations/answers for how to deal with this or address it, I would love to hear them. Sadly you may have to call and schedule a time because I am typically listening to Iris ranting and making up stories! I could actually probably go on with stories Iris has made up for a while but my need to go to my paying job prevents me from doing so! It's weird how my job working with 70 kids between the ages of 3 and 17 is a break from 1 child who is 4 years old! How did that happen?! Fear the Evil Genius!
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